How the hell are ya.

Been asleep for awhile... Did I miss anything?

Time to get back in the blogging saddle. The fancy shmancies are comin' ta town, and the world has a right to finally know what a bunch of pretentious assholes we really are.

Get your party pants on, people... Party. Pants.

Good God. Why don't I go to Arlington more often?

Why does this make my heart oh-so-happy?

I just simply can't get enough of John Wiley Price and his crazy-ass self. Thank you, JWP, for making my first Monday of 2010 just that much better. Check out the full story on FrontBurner here.

(And btw FB, I assume this pic is fair game since a reader sent it in, but if my bitch-ass is wrong, then please feel free to RickRoll me into submission. Thanks. Smooches.)

Barbie Carpenter, class is in session.

Oh. My. Shit.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Well, I figure I should hurry if I have any intention of commenting on the hookers constituting MyStyle Network's piss poor excuse for a reality show cast of the all-new, can't be canceled soon enough, Dallas Divas & Daughters.

There is oh so much to say, but it's been a long day, so I'll stick to the highlights of just one embarrassing duo for today.

To kick off this big bubbly bucket of "lower middle class posing as high-society Dallas, whatever that is..." fun, Jacky and her "If I stare, she might melt" Mom, Patricia, are an utter train wreck. Clearly, not the Berkshire/Burlington Northern kind... more so like the Trinity Railway Express Irving to North Richland Hills route pre-2001.

For starters, I nearly fell out of my chair when Patricia, the private parts of whom I'm not 100% convinced are female, appeared on screen with the Halloween mask she seems intent on freaking us out with year-round. What the hell is wrong with this woman's face?? Maybe she can't help it, but that begs the question - was the casting director BLIND? Maybe his/her vision is hiding somewhere far, far away along with Patty's elusive eyebrows.

And Jacky, with a Y... it's great that the other Parkies are jealous of your "natural tan" and rarely seen Latino heritage within HP's city limits... I will avoid the urge to add the obligatory inappropriate [insert obligatory inappropriate hispanic manual labor joke here] bracket. Oops.

But back to Jacky... with a Y. Because it's all about Jacky... with a Y, isn't it? You've accomplished quite a bit in your short 17 years, haven't you? I've got almost a decade on you and am still working on sarcasm as biting as yours and a tan that looks as effortless. But while your peers also may be jealous of your tan, as you say, ya know what they aren't going to be jealous of? The embarrassment you are causing yourself by parading the University of North Motherfucking Texas as some prestigious private college of the south on national television. That's similar to touting Baylor as the premier football powerhouse of the Big 12... or Texas A&M as a well-balanced, not over-loaded with douchebaggery institution... in the mountains... that is also good at football. It's like opposite day with overpriced accessories.

Don't get me wrong - it could be worse. You could have chosen... UTA. Or DBU. Maybe ITT Tech. But in the socialite-stuffed, money-obsessed world of Dallas where the expensive private school parking sticker on the back of your car can make or break your wait in the valet line, this choice is of the utmost importance. And even if for some really ingenious reason your mom is driving a Benz and wearing couture clothes while unable to afford a fancy private school, at least have the intelligence to understand that anything associated with Denton, Texas has never been, nor will it ever be, high society. Other, of course, than Rudy's BBQ.

With all of that said, I feel bad with you two being first up on my list... but to be completely honest, you are the least ridiculous mom/daughter couple on this show.

Next up? Freshman fifteen in waiting and her mom, Pamela. I'm surprised Hannah, who has never worked a day in her life, can even manage to find her way across the street, much less get her diploma. At least Jacky with a Y has plans to attend college - or at least get wasted, make some bad decisions and skip class as most of her peers likely will do. I'm sure we will get more information on both girls than ever desired as the groundbreaking drama unfolds this season on the show that has officially given Houston full rights to talk crazy shit to Dallas until at least the spring of 2010.

Until next time, my dears.

All my love,
Jackie O

A'Rundus Among Us

I really don't have an official comment on this story, other than I "officially" wanted to write that headline.

Blame the mediocre-at-best college copy editor in me, but it just had my favorite journalism professor's A+ written all over it... kinda like the time I was super hungover and forgot about my Advanced Editing class assignment to write headlines, and literally on my way to class wrote one titled "Feng Shui Your Way to a Casual Work Environment." Swear to God, I didn't know Shui was pronounced "Schway" and thus didn't know I was creating a witty rhyme. I got an A+.

Thereafter I was the class pet of my overly-critical professor who RARELY gave out As, much less A+s, and would detail out how rare it was every time he did. On your paper. Everyone hated me. I giggled often. But, I digress. Here's the article I couldn't give two shits about. See below.

Judge Has Finally Told Darrel Rundus What To Do With His Religious Tracts at the State Fair

By Robert Wilonsky
Wed., Sep. 30 2009 @ 11:28AM

Darrel Rundus

​I'd forgotten all about Darrel Rundus till I took a peek at the agenda for tomorrow's Park and Recreation Board meeting, during which the board will go behind closed doors to discuss the 3-year-old federal lawsuit in which the preacher sued the city of Dallas and the State Fair of Texas for violating his First Amendment rights. For those needing a refresher course, we wrote all about this back in October of '06, but the short version is:

For years, Rundus -- who's apparently some kind of marketing genius? -- tried to pass out religious literature inside the fairgrounds during the Fair. But each time he was stopped by Dallas police officers and Fair officials, who said, sure, he could do his thing outside the Fair (like, on the public sidewalks), but not inside -- not unless he rented an exhibit space and stayed put. To which Rundus said: Federal lawsuit! And the thing worked its way through U.S. Magistrate Jeff Kaplan's court for three long years -- until September 16.

At that point, Kaplan had enough and ruled in the city and Fair's favor, as evidenced by the memorandum order and opinion you'll find below. (The brief judgment follows after the jump, as does the City Attorney's Office official position filed with the court last November.) As far as Kaplan's concerned, the city's got nothing to do with setting State Fair policy -- it is, after all, a private entity (since 1886!) that takes control of the fairgrounds for a few weeks each year -- and rules is rules.

Another reason the City of Arlington should be lit on fire... repeatedly.

Cowboys Stadium shakes up life for nearby homeowners

ARLINGTON – The Wolfenbergers are fans of their newest neighbors but could live without the accompanying palatial home towering over north Arlington.

The retired couple – they have lived in the same house for 49 years – are among the hundreds of residents now sharing their neighborhood and lives with the Dallas Cowboys. Reactions so far have been all over the field, from open hostility to cautious optimism, as residents wrestle with traffic woes as well as the future of their neighborhoods.

"I don't know if the traffic could get any worse," said Boone Wolfenberger about the roadways around his subdivision north of Cowboys Stadium...

Not all the residents adjacent to the $1.15 billion venue, the world's largest domed stadium, are that negative.

But most have been affected in some way.

Since June, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones' new neighbors have lived through eight major events – from concerts to Cowboys preseason football to the largest crowd ever to watch a soccer match in Texas.

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Okay, I have to stop this madness here. I can't do it any longer. Even my drunkass is sobering up while reading this big pile of news-agnostic poop. And the entire time I'm reading this article, the same thought is running through my head...

"TGI Friday's potato skins will still be there tomorrow, you dumb high-risk heart-attack hooker. If Cowboys traffic EIGHT TIMES IN FOUR MONTHS has somehow truly changed your life in an overwhelmingly negative way, then what alternate reality were you in when you CHOSE to move to the City of Arlington in the first place? Holy shit, you might even want to say thank you for this stadium possibly adding a few years to your life thanks to involuntary prevention of your fat Arlington ass not lumbering its way up to any token chain grease-laden restaurant of the week. And for the 67th time, NO cheese sticks are NOT a good source of slimming protein."

Alrighty. I will get off my soap box for now, but let me reiterate to Arlington residents, the new stadium is most definitely THE single most exciting thing that will ever happen in your piece of shit city, so enjoy it.

And if you disagree? No problem. Just send me a note at gofuckyourself@sodallas.com and I will be happy to respond at my earliest convenience.

Nightie night,
Jackie O

$100,000 here and there... also known as FIFTY PERCENT, bitch.

By RUDOLPH BUSH / The Dallas Morning News
rbush@dallasnews.com
(Link to full absurdity here)

An agreement by most of the Dallas City Council to substantially trim its own costs appears to be unraveling, even as City Hall undergoes its deepest service cuts in decades.

In a memo signed by 11 members of the council last week, council member Angela Hunt proposed saving more than $426,000 in expenses stemming from the operation of City Council offices.

But even before the memo went public, the apparent savings began to evaporate.

Hunt and others on the council acknowledged this week that key elements of the savings plan either have come undone or were based on faulty figures to begin with.

It's unclear exactly what the council's cuts will save City Hall when a final budget is approved on Sept. 23.

"I think the numbers will drop, maybe $100,000 here and there," Mayor Pro Tem Dwaine Caraway said.
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At this point in the conversation, kiddies, I'm going to pause for a tequila shot break and hope that when I come back the quote listed above by the Mayor Pro Tem doesn't sound as fucking ridiculous as what I just read. 

Sometimes Dallas City Hall treats its citizens with the same level of ironic stupidity that a Neiman Marcus sales rep treats an "average" consumer... anyone who might balk at overspending gets treated like shit, while it's all you can do to not yell at the top of your lungs "YOU WORK AT NEIMAN'S FOR $12/HOUR YOU TWO-BIT HOOKER."

That is all. Carry on.

Aeromexico plane gets hijacked, and I'm dicking around on someecards.com

And to be clear, it doesn't promise anything about "dirty pirate hooker."

Let There Be No Doubt.

If I ever really do jump out of my office window, it was more than justified. And now you also know why I'm too busy this week to placate you people with mediocre-at-best writing. However, if you happen to be available next Monday between 10am and go fuck yourself, I might be able to squeeze you in.

Hugs & smoochies,
Jackie O