Let There Be No Doubt.

If I ever really do jump out of my office window, it was more than justified. And now you also know why I'm too busy this week to placate you people with mediocre-at-best writing. However, if you happen to be available next Monday between 10am and go fuck yourself, I might be able to squeeze you in.

Hugs & smoochies,
Jackie O

Ego-Boobsters

For those of you ladies feeling a little down in the dumps about not making the cut for this year's Ten Most Beautiful Women contest courtesy of DMagazine, let me put your mind at ease.

This year's crop of contestants gives a little transparency into just how much D has been hurting from its recent layoffs. Last year when I read the profiles of each girl chosen as a candidate, it left me feeling quite shallow, selfish and uncaring about my community. It inspired me to drink more and forget about how poorly I stacked up against those noble women.

This year when I perused the candidate lineup, the visual appeal of which is littered with hints of "We got hot retarded wasted, then made our final selections," I was left feeling like the bright and shiny others-centered ideal role model in a sinner-laden city in need of a lemondrop martini toting savior.

A few gem excerpts from this year's cream of the Dallas crop:

Candidate #2 -Charity Beaver: "This woman deserves votes for her name alone... She divides her time between Cooper, the Dallas Country Club, and Equinox, but this lady isn’t all work and no play. “I’m a wino,” she says, laughing. “And I love cheeseboards. I have one at least once a week.”

I too think she deserves votes for her name alone, but not her first name. And what WOULD we do without the great work she is doing in the community at the three most expensive places to workout and/or breathe in Dallas. However, 2 Beaver points for Charity thanks to the wino quote.

Candidate #3 - Christina Campfield: "This former Miss Dallas USA is more than just a pretty face."

You sure about that DMag? The whopping 99 words you dedicated to explain why she's a finalist speaks for itself. Or may-be you need-ed 2 keep it sim-ple so the can-di-dates would-n't(not) get over-whelmed when read-ing their own pro-files.

Candidate #7 - Bee Lee: "She participates in charity runs and does yoga and then mixes things up at the Ritz, PM Lounge, and Mi Cocina."

So, in the application when you said note their various volunteer efforts and contributions within the community, you actually meant remove the world volunteer... and replace it with over-priced bar hopping and/or binge drinking? Fuck me for not applying. I would've been a shoe-in.

Candidate #10 - Lisa Medlen: "...She’s never felt the need to pull up stakes and move elsewhere. “There’s so much to do here,” she says. “We don’t have the ocean or mountains, but we have great exhibits at the Nasher, shopping, and restaurants.”"

Sooo... concrete. We have concrete.

Candidate #14 - Merlene Phillips: "She has a successful business that allows her to counsel people who have serious issues with food including teenagers battling an eating disorder."

Marlene, please see candidates #1, 3, 10, 17, and 18.

Candidate #16 - Victoria Snee: The SMU grad made her way to Dallas as soon as she could, and save for a brief stint at a television station in Wichita Falls, she hasn’t left."

Holy shit, if the only city I had ever lived in other than Dallas was Wichita Falls, I'd get back as fast as I could too.

Candidate #18 - Kameron Westcott: "When she’s not importing fabrics from Brazil or sketching a trench coat for Fido, she spends time with her new husband, Court (owner of upscale nail salon Polished in Plano)."

So many things wrong with this sentence. My nausea overfloweth, just like the feeling "Court" likely gets every time he is forced to stick his pee-pee in anything other than a pooh-pooh.

Candidate #19 - Kinsey Wilton: "They were talking about when you are destined to meet someone... like... you know... like 'You've Got Mail' I guess... I mean, what's that word? (interviewer: "soulmate?") Yeah... soulmate."

Kinsey, I love you. I really do. Thank God you are pretty enough to make up for comments like that. Unfortunately for your competitors, between Big Nose Magee and Drunk Goggles Gilda, they are not. This lineup is harder on the eyes and ears than any man has ever gotten after viewing.

I need a drink... DMag, can I get some of whatever you had? Or please, please humor me and tell me this is the wittiest piece of work your magazine has ever published. If that is true, and I know you have it in you, you will find me Standing. Clapping. Martini in hand.

All my love,
Jackie O

Nice comeback, Houston. I guess we're officially in a prank war? HTown: 1 Me: 0

Because that's what I do when I'm bored... YouTube a video of my apartment.

DISD Is Doing A Great Job...

Why Won't You People Go Away

Your repeat visits to my public-facing, used to be updated 3+ times per week blog that imply your continued expectation for "new content" since you last sashayed through my virtual door are stressing me out.

We have gone over this.

#1 - I'm lazy.
#2 - I write when I feel like it.
#3 - I like my vodka tonic with lemon... LEMON people, not lime. How hard is it?

Overall, I'd like to ensure I'm underpromising and underdelivering in every aspect of your virtual content expectation. If I'm exceeding, then I'm failing. So, please. For the love of Bajoses. Go away. I'd like to start writing again.

All my love,
Jackie O

On the Serious Tip...

Below is what I posted at DMN's Dallas City Hall Blog re: the below Turner issue. Yes, I do have a serious bone in my body - who knew? But don't get too comfortable. I'll be tossing out inappropriate jokes again before you know it.

"No earmuffs necessary" version below:

Usually, I would use repetitive foul language and sarcastic childish insults to address an idea as asinine as this, and I have done so on my SoDallas blog, but for this post I'll be serious for once. Don't get used to it.

As someone who could directly benefit from this development based on proximity, I still could not be more opposed to it.

First of all, I have to question any proposal which involves us modeling something that replicates any part of the god-forsaken city of San Antonio. Good grief - I'd move us even further away if I could.

Second, it is grossly negligible for any businessperson in Dallas to throw out a concept like this who clearly has zero insight, nor did he seek out insight from the authorities who do have it, with regard to the economic impact for the airline industry, as well as global economy, this could have based on the costs associated with this change.

When making proposal with as wide-reaching of an impact as this, it is not just smart, but also your responsibility to point out the negative aspects that could impact the average citizen who at the end of the day will live with this decision. And if your case is a solid one, transparency regarding the negatives will only help in proving your case. Frankly, it is reckless to not do so.

Southwest Airlines is a cornerstone of the economic environment within the aviation industry, an industry which has more power than almost any other in terms of revenue generated globally. Turner is carelessly tossing this idea out there and positioning it as though moving is Southwest's only other option.

News flash. Based on the costs this could easily drive for them, costs that exist outside of the juvenile box of travel industry understanding from which Turner is clearly operating based on his proposal, Southwest would be gone in a heartbeat. And either way - whether moving to South Dallas or another city - they lose because all either option offers Southwest is a monstrosity of costs in operations, distribution and labor back-filling. And when Southwest loses, thus does the city of Dallas, the travel industry, and the global economy as a whole.

Do some research, Turner, before recklessly proposing ideas with a level of complexity you could not even begin to understand.

And lastly, I nary trust any company without the foresight to hire a graphic designer for its proposals or its website. Bad taste is bad taste, but maybe that explains San Antonio.

Whatever Randall Turner is smoking, while shooting it up his arm, while snorting it up his nose, I want some.

Holy Bajoses, Turner. Please tell me you just pulled off the biggest practical joke of your life today when telling Dallas that it should CLOSE Love Field, while keeping a straight face the whole time. Bravo.

Quick question, though: what the FUCK were you thinking?

That's like me telling Christ Almighty that "Ehhh, you know how you have been positioning this whole "heaven" place as our eternal "home" and all? Well, I'm sure you will agree once you see these revenue projections that moving it over to the left & down a smidge would be no biggie. Your angels DO fly, right? Whip up some pearly gates for that Purgatory place, and no one will ever know the difference!"

And when you so thoughtfully stated how you "see no negatives whatsoever" in creating a monstrosity of ridiculous costs to move to Oak Cliff the only airline in this great nation still within reach, albeit a Dirk Nowitzki-length reach, of profitability and replace it with the shittiest performing industry in Dallas right now - residential motherfucking real estate?

Per this statement on your website, and I use the term website generously, "When we learn of a potential opportunity, our team immediately investigates it, putting together budgetary projections and an in-depth analysis to determine if the project meets our standards for profitability or not."

That's great, Randy-Rand. Sounds like this project meets your standards. But here's something to save for later when your abacus is handy and your head is not up your ass - Southwest traffics 11 BILLION DOLLARS of air segment revenue through this fair city every year. Why I have a hunch that Dallas makes more on that $11B than the shitty 100 million you project your project will bring in, not including the ancillary revenue that is generated by travelers, I'm not sure... not to mention to the price pressure Southwest's existence puts on AA, impacting the ENTIRE ECONOMIC CLIMATE you ruh-tard.

And next thing you know, John Wiley Price & his crazy-lovin' ass will be all over this idea. Then, Randall, you can take a backseat, enjoy the JWP show, and tippy-toe-tap-dance off into the sea, or Bachman Lake in this case. Pitter pat amongst goodie-goodie gumdrops where people travel via unicorn, magic carpet & fairy-dust, where the dirty pirate hookers who work for you are actually pretty pink princesses with pixie dust and glass slippers, and where heaven is now just a hop-skip and a fiery jump away thanks to your ability to convince the Lord of Heaven and Earth that the infinity zip code was no longer, in the words of Dallas commercial real estate Douchebagology, at Main & Main.

Go suck on a cap rate.

3EB's Stephan Jenkins Officially Out of Closet

Okay, maybe not "officially," but after some of his not-so-subtle comments last night, any female counterpart in his life currently should be aware that a strap-on will likely be required at some point. I'm just sayin.

Overall, the show was incredible as usual - other than the dumb bitch from Houston who was oh-so-shocked when Jenkins mentioned her city & everyone booed. Her quick-witted & never heard before $30,000 millionaire retort left all of us deeply wounded soon after.

Not to mention that she consciously chose to wear 4-inch high heels to a standing-only concert. Sweetheart, I hate to break the news, but secret's out. Your fat ass legs don't look less disgusting by lifting your calves up a few inches - get on a treadmill. Or just sit outside in the sauna that is your shitty city for a few minutes each day.

To be sure, though, if there is one city on the planet that deserves to be booed, it's Houston. The only shittier city in this great nation is Orlando, and at least they have a few roller coasters.

So, Houston, please be a dear, and eat a huge dick. But if you wait patiently until tonight, Stephan Jenkins just might do it for you. Enjoy.

Somewhere Gerard Arpey Just Asked "What?! We have a website? On the intertubes?"

Dustin Curtis took it upon himself to spend a "couple hours" redesigning AA.com, and explains why here.

My favorite excerpt?

"Fire your entire design team, if you have one. Hire an outside design firm on an emergency timetable to design your online experience, and build it as quickly as possible. Your in-house team is obviously incapable of building a good experience. Get outside help."

A local shop-owner responded soon after with this weak excuse for a signed, sealed & delivered lip-glossified ass kiss.

Aha Shake Heartbreak