Clearly, Angela Hunt's Husband Does Not Get Laid

Any hooker who is up at 3am furiously thumbing through her thesaurus to construct annoying-ass paragraphs like "The notion that the Trinity Toll Road either secures funds for the Trinity River Corridor Project or that its demise will eliminate or jeopardize funding for other aspects of the plan, is factually incorrect. While this premise has been central to the strategy used by toll road advocates (”Don’t send a billion dollars down the river…”), you do a disservice to your readers and this project by continuing to espouse untruths that are belied by the facts." obviously has a husband who hasn't seen poon-tang in quite some time.

Yeesh - and as I reread that paragraph, I just realized that the phrase 'espouse untruths' gives me the same gag reflex reaction that her husband likely had during his first few homo rendezvous on Katy Trail.

Aside from all of that, this discussion on the Trinity Toll Road between Angela Hunt (seen above, in case you missed her Glamour Shots photo circa 1993) & Wick Allison is an interesting read, and also one that likely makes most males in Dallas thrilled they don't have to beg to throw their hotdog down that hallway on a regular basis. She would probably call out Laura Miller's name during sex anyway, and who really wants the mental image of them scissoring? I can just see the thick-fabric, shoulder-padded skirt suits flying now. Yeesh, yeesh, yeesh.

Anyway, did I mention Wick Allison is my hero? The reason behind which can be seen simply by reading the opening line to his closing argument... "You are retailing once again the same arguments you wholesaled in 2007." The dorky writer in me smiles at such ingenuity.

So, get some beauty rest, Hunt. Spewing ugly all day out of three pounds of that Alexa Conomos-red lipstick simply has to get tiring.

I'd Be Lying

If I told you this concert was anything but fabulous. For those of you who haven't heard of Greg Laswell, which likely will be all of you, you should check him out.
Started listening to him a few years back, and was pleasantly surprised that I only had to pay $10 to see him in the coziest & one of my new favorite venues in Dallas, The Prophet Bar in Deep Ellum (formerly part of Gypsy). The bartender, who left half of the drinks we ordered off of our tab, informed me that Erykah Badu's band plays there regularly & she stops by to sing with them every so often - most recently a couple of weeks ago. Did I mention this is my new favorite place?

On another unrelated note, or 100% related, I'm so, so very hungover. Apparently, there is no gray area for me, and the term moderation means very little. Maybe one day when I am in my thirties I will stop drinking with the responsibility level of a high school freshman. Or not.

That's It, Assclowns. I'm Running for Office.

Belo won't let me embed, so here's the link to the video clip.

Let's Call a Basted Witch a Basted Witch.

I only slightly recall the last time I got in a cab & couldn't remember a damn thing to save my life, let alone my precious BlackBerry... it's called Stupid Wasted Bitch Drunk. Also known as precisely the category into which this SMUer would have fallen when she was allegedly robbed at gunpoint by her cab driver.

I mean, really, SMU Spokesperson Gary Shultz? It would have been less amusing to me had you not actually provided information that supported the antithesis of your argument:

When she reported the incident, she was unable to give a description of the driver and the cab.

Gary Shultz, a spokesman for the university, said the student, who has not been identified, is new and unfamiliar with the area.

“That’s why she was vague on the details,” he said.

That, of course, and the 9 shots of vodka doing the happy dance in her tummy awaiting their 4am curtain call at the Porcelain God Aqua Theatre in her Village apartment bathroom.

More importantly, in a world where 1+1 tends to equal 2, how the hell does a person being unfamiliar with her geographic location have any impact on her ability to describe a PERSON or A CAB?

I was 19 sheets to the wind at The Killers concert, actually tripped & fell in the grass, then rolled down the hill and into my cab that I was still able to identify the next day, once I realized my BlackBerry had gone missing. I had to cancel meetings until 2pm solely with the intent of ensuring I wouldn't puke on someone at the office... and was pulled over twice to yak on my way to work by my stomach reminding me never to drink again... and with all of that, you are telling me this basted witch couldn't remember YELLOW or BLUE covering the massive moving piece of metal that carried her home because she was from Scottsdale instead of Dallas?

Even with all of that, the most tell-tale piece of evidence was simply the fact that she was robbed at all. No cab driver in his right mind is going to pull a gun on a sober passenger in a marked cab with his driver's license, cab ID number, cab company name & phone number displayed in 176 pt. font for all the world to see, remember & use to send his ass to Cancun, where life as a cabbie is much less pleasant & much more basted witch-intensive. The plain & simple fact is that she was tee-tee consuelad, people, and likely doesn't have a case with legs that will ever hold up in a court of law. Class dismissed.

But what have we learned here, kiddos... it's situations like this that help mold the decisions one makes in the future. The next time she or another SMUer is in this situation, they will remember what happened, and do things differently. Who knew you actually had to give an SMU female a good reason to take a guy home with her at closing time?

100th Post: Jackie is Just Speeding Away... Thought She was James Dean for a Day

Thanks Lou Reed... and Brandon Flowers. I knew you always had a special place in your heart for me, and I for you. BTW, how did you know I drive like a 6 year-old who just snorted three giant blue Pixy Sticks?

Anyway, I find it only fitting that this is my 100th post on SoDallas as I pay homage to my precious Killers whose influence has shaped many a post in the past, including my very first. And frankly, this 'accomplishment' is great & depressing all at the same time - did it seriously take me almost a year and a half to write 100 posts? Fucking lame is what that is, but so it goes.

So, back to The Killers.

The concert, as it always is, was awesome. I'm not sure if that was in part thanks to the margaritas combined with three double vodka tonics or not, but the lights sure shined brighter, the music sounded sweeter and the drunk trainwreck that was me leaving my BlackBerry in a cab didn't cause a worry in the world until the next morning.

Unfortunately, I was momentarily depressed as many of the douchebags, who are so eager to spend 3X face value for a pit ticket, couldn't recognize the song Smile Like You Mean It even if their asshole had whistled the tune every time they took a shit in the last year & the lyrics were printed on the toilet paper. Mr. Flowers started in to that song, my most beloved of beloved, and everyone in the pit starred at him silently and blankly. Yet when their shitty musical response to Sam's Town criticism from people who shouldn't be allowed to pass 7th grade band class, much less be called music journalists, starts playing (also known as their most mainstream bull-shit song since Somebody Told Me), everyone goes wild. Kill me now, Mr. Flowers. Or just play for a few minutes longer & let my poor drinking judgment do the dirty work for you. Either way.

Thank God I was too wasted to notice, or care for that matter, whether Shadowplay was well-received. Nail in my coffin that most certainly could have been.

All-in-all, it was a magical Wednesday evening & I will always be a dedicated fan... especially if you keep writing lyrics including a 'Jackie' who is a hooker. If you had added 'dirty pirate', I might just think you fancied me. Flattery, my friend, will get you everywhere... and for your sake, I hope you receive the same from your critics so you can start making good music once again.

The soundtrack of my life is patiently waiting.

Jackie O Has A Girl Crush

I'll admit... since '05 she has been my comedic saving grace. And since I've been too busy this year so far to consistently be yours, I'll tide you over with a few of my Wiig favs.

And my newest favorite character:


Now it's off to bed for a cozy 4 hours of sleep before yet another day of joyous bliss in Corporate America.

Tootaloo, bitches.

Dallas Private Schools Are Awesome

Assuming, of course, you want your kids to grow up to be huge vaginas.Today, DallasNews.com reported this story about how The Covenant School's varsity girls basketball team defeated Dallas Academy 100-0 in district play, and subsequently delivered a personal apology to Dallas Academy for the Covenant team's "embarrassing" display of "unsportsmanlike" conduct stating "a victory without honor is a great loss." The school also posted a public statement on its website stating "this clearly does not reflect a Christ-like and honorable approach to competition."

You know what I'm about to say, don't you... the contents of which forced me to start a new paragraph so that the big C-word wouldn't have to share a paragraph with my question of "are you fucking kidding me??" No seriously, are you?

Believe me, I get it. I get that it's a stuffy, WASPY private school in Dallas where athletics and education are emphatically secondary to religion during the week, while 16 year-olds are drinking, smoking out & losing their virginity on the weekend. I attended one just like it. And I understand it's an awkward moral dilemma for an athletically gifted teenager capable of putting 100 points on the board against a school that literally did arrive at the gym in a short bus. I was that teenager, on that team. Yet, as I walked out of the gym past the scoreboard showing 102-4, I wasn't thinking about how bad I felt or questioning my moral compass. Instead, I was thinking how Texas School for the Deaf never knew what hit them, but my points-per-game & assist rankings in the Dallas Morning News next week sure would. Jackpot.

More perplexing, though, is the statement that "this clearly does not reflect a Christ-like or honorable approach to competition." This is kind of like saying something clearly does not reflect Bush-like & intelligent approach to incredible public speaking. It just leaves you scratching your head & singing "which one of these things does not belong?"

Whatever the case, I just can't wait to be a manager one day when I'm in my thirties, and these kids are a part of my new graduate applicant pool who now, thanks to stories like this, are not only entitled morons, but uncompetitive, entitled morons. Yippee. I can't wait.

So, thanks Covenant board members, Head of School Kyle Queal and Athletic Director Brice Helton. I applaud your aspirations to be Christ-like as you throw your varsity girls basketball team under the bus & put them on public display in the Metroplex media as "shameful" and "embarrassing" without having the adults responsible for the decisions made in a game held accountable... matter of fact, who exactly hired the coach who made such "shameful" & "embarrassing" decisions? Mayyybeee..... the athletic director? Who was hired by the head of school? Who was hired by the board? The board who creates the rules including the likes of those that require students to obey their teachers, and likely references Biblical passages like "Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account." Hebrews 13:17? Interesting.

But don't worry, I'm sure the message you intended to send through this debacle was well-received. Because really, let's be honest, in the private sector John 8:32 rarely applies... the truth most certainly does not set you free. Those talented athletes, whose freedom to perform to the best of their ability you just killed, understand it's their fault for being talented within the tiny 2A district your school has chosen to "compete" in. I'm guessing this is a lesson they will remember as they grow into adulthood, and it will likely influence the way they view leadership, sports & competition in the future... well done, great private educators of Dallas, well done.

Yet another example of why Dallas private schools are awesome. I mean, shit, muthafucka, look how great I turned out?

UPDATE: Once Mark Cuban heard about this story today, he extended an invitation to the Dallas Academy players to watch a game in his suite & meet the team. So, either misery loves company, or Cuban has finally found a team the Mavs can consistently dominate.

Dear Meester President,

I recently read this, which left me scratching my head once I Google-mapped your new Dallas residence. An un-gated street doesn't really seem to be your issue. Secluded cul de sacs are fabulous, no doubt. But I hate to break the news that not everyone in Dallas throws like Tony Romo and/or my 6 year-old niece. 200 meters is not very far, so now it's time to play "Think like a criminal (without making a statement that might be misinterpreted as illegal by a bored FBI computer analyst on a slow day)."

Frankly, if I were a criminal, I can't imagine a better scenario than one in which I had a target within arm-launching distance off of a 55mph Tollway, where the nearest entrance for any secret service agent is at least 1.5 miles up the road with multiple lights to meander through. Also, since we are playing this game, I would totally sport brass knuckles. Who doesn't look awesome when wearing those? No one, my friend. No one.

Anyway, I'm sure there is no need to worry and that you have not misunderestimated the ability of your security team. At least you didn't piss off too many people in office, and Texans are awwlll reeelly classy peoples who are awwll reeelly weyll edumucated & understaynd yer policies'n that thar awfice and awpreciate the sacrofice youz made for those thar past eyt.. ate... aw fuck, 8 yeers. At least youz got thats goin fer ya... that and your fence, of course.

All my Simon David Preston Hollow love,
Jackie O

New Year's Resolutions Are Fucking Retarded

According to About.com, here are the "Top 10 New Year's Resolutions" and, of course, my heartfelt thoughts on each.

1. Spend more time with family & friends. I'll try and not get struck down by lighting on the very first one, so I'll vagina out on this one and say "Aww, that's sweet."

2. Fit in fitness. Hang on a sec - were they trying to be as fucking gay as possible when they wrote this list? "Fit in fitness." Cute. Really. I think "work out more" would have sufficed and not made me want to throw up everywhere. Regardless, this one would require me to actually get up from my desk, or off of my couch, or away from the bar. The answer is D, bitch. None of the above.

3. Tame the bulge. Okay, pardon me, but this is a family show people. Keep it clean. Either this is the exact same thing as #2, or we just entered into some female uptowner's amusingly nasty way of saying she is going to do her best to make all kinds of things disappear in 2009, and I don't mean her beer belly. Tame the bulge, sweetie. Tame it.

4. Quit smoking. Oh yeah? Go fuck yourself! Ahemm.... oops...... sorry. :( Knee-jerk.

5. Enjoy life more. Check & check. Annnddd....my liver just threw up all over my small intestine out of fear. Awesome.

6. Quit drinking. Alriiiggght, alright. I'm not THAT naive. You crazy jokers got me, silly kids. Golly geez. Where is that hidden camera anyway - you totally had me fooled. But that split second I thought you were serious almost gave me a heart attack - I need a martini to calm my nerves, por favor. Sugar on the rim.

7. Learn something new. Well, let's see. 4&6 being legitimately listed both just taught me some people really are as dumb as they sound. Who knew.

8. Get organized. I'd say that has about as good of a chance of happening as Wade Phillips shtooping Jessica Simpson without shouting "Wull, gawwlly geee" mid-coitus.

9. Get out of debt. Please refer to #6, also known as the reason this ain't gonna happen when my favorite drink is a $12 lemondrop martini. Believe me, it's worth it.

10. Help others. www.sodallas.com. Done.

And here's a card from me to you, Dallas, you sweet soul-less city, you. Happy New Year!

Way to Go, Dallas. You Just Pissed Off Your Crankiest Citizens.

The Dallas City Council today voted to expand the smoking ban. It now includes all smoking in Dallas bars & near business entrances as a part of that ban.

So, let's review. What we really have here are a few new problems.

First, smokers at any company who already get an extra two weeks of vaca by smoking 3X a day for 10 minutes each time have now doubled that. Add the hike they now will have to put in to get within a legally far enough distance from their business entrance to comply, and we are looking at four extra weeks of vacation. I mean, holy shit! Get me to the nearest 7-11. Time to take up smoking.

Second, you have just sent Dallas club owners through the roof. Let's be honest - being a Dallas bouncer at most locations isn't exactly rocket science. But you have made it exactly that, and a friggin MBA is going to be a necessary qualification. Now every night at every club there is going to have to be a secondary line for those who already made it through the first by kissing ass & dropping names, but stepped outside for a quick smoke break or six. Figuring out how many people are actually in your club at any given time will be an act of Congress - and ironically may create a fire hazzard. Add the fourth douchebag, divide by 972, carry the one hundredth bitch in a skanky Forever 21 dress... and you have yourself a motherfucking logistical nightmare.

Third, you have officially set The Loon up for utter embarrassment.
The little guy has been truckin' along for so many years... so proud of his strong drinks and crowded, yet cozy spaces. Never really embarrassed by the gift of smell he sends every patron home with each and every night... the only gift, other than an STD, that keeps on giving with the same gusto as it originally had. And frankly, on any given night, you might come away with both.

But now, now you have taken away the variable that excused the wretched scent that could always be attributed to the cigs. And I am 100% confident that The Loon's walls, carpet, chairs, couches and concrete will all carry on the torch of disgustingness long after the new ban is passed... leaving him awkward and embarrassed for many years to come. Maybe they will compensate with stronger drinks? I do heart me some liver damage. Yummy.

Finally, what are all of the single "social smoker" bitches going to do now? When they get to the point of drunk rage when they HAVE to have a cigarrette - which also means they are too tee-tee gonzalezed to remember it's illegal when you tell them they can't... and will inevitably end the evening in utter shame & disaster, without the comforting taste of stale cig breath the next morning to remind them how drunk they were, subsequently excusing them of their other ridiculously inappropriate & embarassing behaviors. What are THEY going to do, Dallas? Did you think about that?

Again, hundreds of people all over the city are impacted every day by what you people vote on in positions of power such as yours. You are changing lives, making horrible habits that much more difficult to continue, putting ugly girls in awkward positions at bars without a cig to keep them company, and keeping alcohol - bless his little heart - all alone in the big bad world of legal late-night vices.

Thanks for nothin, assholes... or a few extra years of my life for all the second hand smoke I will now avoid. Whatever. Who really wants to live to 86 versus 82 anyways?