Barbie Carpenter, class is in session.

Oh. My. Shit.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Well, I figure I should hurry if I have any intention of commenting on the hookers constituting MyStyle Network's piss poor excuse for a reality show cast of the all-new, can't be canceled soon enough, Dallas Divas & Daughters.

There is oh so much to say, but it's been a long day, so I'll stick to the highlights of just one embarrassing duo for today.

To kick off this big bubbly bucket of "lower middle class posing as high-society Dallas, whatever that is..." fun, Jacky and her "If I stare, she might melt" Mom, Patricia, are an utter train wreck. Clearly, not the Berkshire/Burlington Northern kind... more so like the Trinity Railway Express Irving to North Richland Hills route pre-2001.

For starters, I nearly fell out of my chair when Patricia, the private parts of whom I'm not 100% convinced are female, appeared on screen with the Halloween mask she seems intent on freaking us out with year-round. What the hell is wrong with this woman's face?? Maybe she can't help it, but that begs the question - was the casting director BLIND? Maybe his/her vision is hiding somewhere far, far away along with Patty's elusive eyebrows.

And Jacky, with a Y... it's great that the other Parkies are jealous of your "natural tan" and rarely seen Latino heritage within HP's city limits... I will avoid the urge to add the obligatory inappropriate [insert obligatory inappropriate hispanic manual labor joke here] bracket. Oops.

But back to Jacky... with a Y. Because it's all about Jacky... with a Y, isn't it? You've accomplished quite a bit in your short 17 years, haven't you? I've got almost a decade on you and am still working on sarcasm as biting as yours and a tan that looks as effortless. But while your peers also may be jealous of your tan, as you say, ya know what they aren't going to be jealous of? The embarrassment you are causing yourself by parading the University of North Motherfucking Texas as some prestigious private college of the south on national television. That's similar to touting Baylor as the premier football powerhouse of the Big 12... or Texas A&M as a well-balanced, not over-loaded with douchebaggery institution... in the mountains... that is also good at football. It's like opposite day with overpriced accessories.

Don't get me wrong - it could be worse. You could have chosen... UTA. Or DBU. Maybe ITT Tech. But in the socialite-stuffed, money-obsessed world of Dallas where the expensive private school parking sticker on the back of your car can make or break your wait in the valet line, this choice is of the utmost importance. And even if for some really ingenious reason your mom is driving a Benz and wearing couture clothes while unable to afford a fancy private school, at least have the intelligence to understand that anything associated with Denton, Texas has never been, nor will it ever be, high society. Other, of course, than Rudy's BBQ.

With all of that said, I feel bad with you two being first up on my list... but to be completely honest, you are the least ridiculous mom/daughter couple on this show.

Next up? Freshman fifteen in waiting and her mom, Pamela. I'm surprised Hannah, who has never worked a day in her life, can even manage to find her way across the street, much less get her diploma. At least Jacky with a Y has plans to attend college - or at least get wasted, make some bad decisions and skip class as most of her peers likely will do. I'm sure we will get more information on both girls than ever desired as the groundbreaking drama unfolds this season on the show that has officially given Houston full rights to talk crazy shit to Dallas until at least the spring of 2010.

Until next time, my dears.

All my love,
Jackie O