Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The House Financial Committee Is Overworked; Should Demand Overtime Pay, Hairbrushes

5:17pm. Holy shit. I actually stood & applauded as I watched those precious minutes tick by... as House Financial Committee Chairman Barney Frank (shown above) pressed on into the wee minutes of post-5:15pm work because the American people, gosh darnit, deserve it. They deserve for those extra couple of painstaking minutes to be put in, discussing one of the most monumental decisions that will ever be made about the U.S. economy & one that will impact our children & their children for many years after we are all long gone. I mean, look at him - he even skipped brushing his hair this morning likely to give those additional precious minutes to the current economic plight of the American people. What would we do with out you, Mr. Frank. What would we do.

And monumental this decision is. I wish I could just give everyone in that room a big squishy hug for the hard work & long hours they are putting in to make this thing happen, while stocks in just about every sector crash and/or bottom out while we await their decision. Sure, I may have lost 45% of my securities' worth today. But small price to pay for those dedicated members of our government to truly work through this plan & give it their all. I know they will get a solution in place as quickly as they are possibly able.

And just think... if they continue to put in those extra minutes every darn day, we just might have a decision reached by early 2023. Reason #913 I love my country.

Thank you, House Committee, for leading by example. It's leadership like yours that truly makes my 65 hour weeks all worth it - because I know you are working just as hard to make my life just that much better... and because you, my comrades, lead by example.

One thing though. After listening to your oh-so-eloquent committee members stumble over their words & not actually form complete and/or coherent sentences all day long - many of which were laughed at by Paulson & Bernanke for being so fucking stupid slash the classic example of state representatives looking for their 15-minutes of fame on CSPAN - I believe it is my duty to request that you don't actually let anyone speak tomorrow, or maybe even get within 500 yards of the building, who falls into this category... or who isn't capable of using proper grammar. Is that too much to ask?

I mean, call me crazy, but I would hope that the people making decisions about my financial future don't actually use the word (and I use the term 'word' loosely) "Yous" when intending to say "You." Or I might expect that they would know Paulson & Bernanke already know the most fundamental investment principal about diversifying risk - but those viewers out there that are under the age of 9 thank you for teaching them something new today while listening to yourself talk in circles, Congressman Meeks. When all of you finally get kicked off of Capitol Hill, you would make an excellent Economics 101 teaching assistant at Brookhaven or Northlake... but then we get back to that whole issue of knowing what the hell you are talking about, and sometimes they require that of professors. Not always, but sometimes. We can still hope for the best, right?

Okay, time to go throw up all over my portfolio losses for the day. But you guys go get some rest, you will need it for your marathon of a FULL EIGHT hour day tomorrow. Drink some fluids, no sugar after 8pm... and be sure to eat a good, hearty breakfast. You'll need your strength.

And as that notorious hour of 3pm approaches... far enough away from lunch for you to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but still so far away from 5:15pm you want to jump out a window... here is an inspirational quote to carry you through:

"Endurance is one of the most difficult disciplines, but it is to the one who endures that the final victory comes."

Good luck and Godspeed, my friends. Godspeed.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Dallas Layoffs?

Today I’m too F’ing busy to try and be even slightly amusing – so I’ll cut to the chase in light of the one topic that is so near and dear to my heart… cold, hard cash.

Since no one in the media is so much as mentioning this topic, other than the Biz Journal, I’m curious where all of the Dallasites are who have been impacted or know someone impacted by the numerous cut-throat layoffs I have been hearing about across the Metroplex over this past week?

Even my shady-ass company announced its 917th hiring & promotion freeze yesterday, sending yet another wave of rumors around our campus about more pink slips.

I say bring it on, bitches. I’d love to see any one of the lazy-ass middle managers or VPs at my company try and figure out how to even work my computer, much less do my job. They are lucky if they hunt and peck fast enough to respond to more than 5 emails in a day, so frankly, with the amount of work I cram into my 60 hour weeks, I think I’m as safe from being let go as an intelligent thought is from Josh Howard's mouth.

But really, I’m more so annoyed that no one is reporting on all of these occurrences in our city that is supposedly ranked as the #3 “Hot City for Jobs” this year. I have four friends from grad school who have already received notices this week from four different large Dallas corporations… so, what are you all hearing?

Monday, September 15, 2008

I'm Not Investing Anymore... I'm Saving Money for the Important Stuff, Like Wiping My Ass.

... which would be a much better use of it today than what is happening to the money I really do have invested. In other news, AMR is giving someone in HR one awesome blow job:

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

DFW/American Too Closely Resembling Hell; Satan Responds, Ups '09 Fire Spend

Leave it to the geniuses who were originally designing the interior d├ęcor of DFW International Airport to somehow find a way to make a concrete-ridden, visually drab city even drabber.
I’m not sure if we were going for the visual illusion of making people feel like they were completely surrounded by concrete no matter whether they were inside or outside… but if so, A+. I've been inside of insane asylums with more appeal. Grey tile, grey walls, grey holes into the abyss of what today is home to the most frequently tardy airline in the world… which really is the point of Jackie O’s crankiness today.

My business trip this week to the one city that is even more disgusting weather-wise than Dallas showed me nothing different than what I usually experience… delayed flights, both ways, due to mechanical failures… and pilots whose announcements sound something like a 3 year-old apologizing for pooping his pants – just less sincerely.

“Hey folks… well, we sorta apologize for the delay… this plane was late getting here because we had to put duct tape on the engine to ensure it didn’t fall off on the way to Dallas… and we could figure out where the darn tape began. Don’t you hate that?... Well, it worked just barely enough to get us here, so that was good. Damn it... has anyone seen my Funions?

Anyway, where was I… Oh, now we are just waiting for another roll of tape since our piece of shit operations team can’t seem to figure out what the hell it means to keep planes in the air. Johnny Mechanic just ran to Home Depot and should be back any minute.

BUT because we are such an incredible airline and you are honored to even be sitting on this plane, we are going to hand out headphones for FREE and put on a FREE movie, which should more than make up for our complete inability to do the one thing you pay us an astronomical amount to do – fly. Instead, here are some headphones that usually are sold at a 2,000% markup in-flight. Crazy thing is, it actually costs us more in fuel to haul these things around on our plane than the sweatshops in China charge us at 8 cents a pop – but we will certainly take every opportunity to swindle your sorry ass even more so than our gate attendants did on your $15 baggage fee.

You can, however, thank us for giving you the experience of a lifetime – not many people can say they know what it feels like to get raped – you, however, have been granted that priceless opportunity. Wait a few days, however, and we will start charging you for that as well. Because at American Airlines, we know why you fly.”

So, thanks American. Hugs & kisses. And you can, in the most loving way possible, eat a dick for all of the work I now have to catch up on thanks to your scheduling & mechanical ineptitude that seem to resemble a retard trying to conquer a Rubik’s Cube.

Can't wait for next week.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Maybe We Should Encourage Teenage Sex...

For those still hanging on to the abstinence message, I'd like to direct your attention to the video below.

This is like playing a game of Would You Rather... like would you rather lay down in a container full of snakes or be raped... or would you rather eat a meal off of the floor of The Slip Inn bathroom or live in the suburbs for the rest of your life... or would you rather have kids that are having premature sex or are attending the Dallas Anime fest & doing this shit:

I rest my case.