Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Giving Thanks for a Comfort, a Constant in Times of Worldwide Turmoil: Dumb Bitches

The economy is collapsing... an election of historic proportion has just concluded... yet, Ash & Marge are still finding their center, their chi if you will, in the mundane, in the everyday others-centered events in life that have not changed for them... those that give them deep, really deep, extremely deep (assuming the hotdog down their hallway hits a side) peace.
Way to go, ladies. You are setting an example for all of us to look at the bright side of things in the crazy world we live in today... to cheer "Yay for boobies! #3" as you so eloquently have labeled this pic... to know that there is more to this life as the "#3" gives us just that much more hope knowing there are also a #1 and #2 out there somewhere... to remember that habitual behavior-dependent careers like stripping don't ride the same waves as the economy. You are truly an inspiration... and a staunch reminder that the upper arm squeeze on already over-sized tits is actually more blinding than helpful.

So yes, ladies. We DO appreciate you & the entertainment you are - as you must have already assumed based on posting your fake goods all over Facebook for the world to see. And you are soooo right, Marge. We can't HANDLE it.

Thank God some things never change.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Dear Jackie O, (Week 11)

A weekly (or not so weekly) installment answering your most pressing questions.

Dear Jackie O,
Capitalism works better from every perspective when the economic decision makers are forced to share power with those who will be affected by those decisions.

Hangin’ Like a Chad,
Your BF for Life

Dear Barney Frank,
Gosh darnit, Barney. I want to believe you. I want to put faith in your vision, in your intelligence. I want to know that you are so concerned with the good of the economy that you no longer leave time for personal grooming and/or hygiene.

But let’s be honest here. How the hell am I supposed to have confidence in a man whose appearance is one malt liquor-in-a-paper-bag away from homeless with the voice of a lung cancer-ridden Tweety Bird.

All my love,
Jackie O


Dear Jackie O,
Did you hear about my genius appointment of Larry Throm, former CFO for Austin ISD, as the new CFO for DISD? Take THAT, Austin bitches.

This guy, he’s a game-changer, a revolutionary, a man who thinks outside of the box, someone who really knows how to innovate while facilitating the evolution of a truly collaborative environment, a leader who can take us from good to great, someone who can really get us to YES!

Feel free to pat me on my back and/or blow me at your earliest convenience.

Reveling in my own intelligenciosity,
Mikey H.

Dear DISD Superintendent Michael Hinojosa,
After you put down your rousing copy of Annoying, Overused & Completely Bull Shit Business Phrases to Make You Feel Sthmart, let’s revisit the idea that this man is leaving AUSTIN to move to DALLAS.

This, my friend, should give you some insight into the kind of mind-numbingly awful decision-making abilities he is about to put to good use with the DISD. God knows the only way to go is up. Hell, maybe even throw caution to the wind & go left. You are game-changers, right?

All my love,
Jackie O


Dear Jackie O,
Tee-hee. Did you see how saweet we wewra to stwuggling home ownas fowa tha howidays? Don’t you just wanna snuggle up wid uws on a big puffy cloud fiwled wid gingaw-bwead houses and candy canes? Tee-hee. Oopsie! Time fowa weeeecess… and animal cwackas! Yay!! TTFN.

Bestie Bwo & Sis Foweva,
Fannie & Freddie

Dear Fannie Mae & Freddie Mac,
Awesome. Now Americans can commit suicide over the holidays in the comfort of their own homes while you choose between a giwaffe owa a whino.

Biting off the head is always the hardest part… for some reason, though, you don’t strike me as though you struggle with that – more so troubling is likely your competitions to see who can fit more in their tummy without puking. Oops. You both lost.

All my love,
Jackie O

Monday, November 17, 2008

I Just Realized How Addicted I Am to FrontBurner...

I went there this weekend, only to find the annoying two words you all have probably also seen over the past few days of "Hello world!!" Then today, as it has now become a part of my workflow basically every hour, I have checked it at least seven times... hoping each time that they have finally fixed whatever is wrong with it.

I get to work, log in, check FB. Go to annoying meeting number 1 where long-winded boss will yammer on about nothing to pretend his job is one worth existing to begin with, then finally give us "the gift of time" by ending said pointless meeting early, never realizing that the gift of time line was old after the first time he used it, and now has simply become a running joke along with him & his existence in general.

Then, scurry back to desk, check FB, run off to another meeting.

Check FB on BB mid-meeting.

Run down to lunch, grab food, run back to desk to check FB & read while cramming sandwich down the hatch.

Run to next meeting, hop on conference call at desk, check FB while on conference call... and now here I am.

And no... it's still not working... and now I don't know what to do with myself. I even Googled FrontBurner in many different phrases to see if someone else had posted about what is wrong with my baby, but alas, nothing.

I miss you, FrontBurner. Truly. Hurry back, or I might actually get some work done.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I Thought It Was Kinda Funny...

Unfortunately, my co-workers who ironically did get laid off didn't see quite the same level of humor I did when I sent many of them this e-card before things were announced.

Get pissed, guys. But really, I'm the one who should be pissed that I am so underpaid when compared to my peers I'm worth keeping. And now, once again, I get the dirty looks every survivor experiences in these lovely scenarios. Second time this year I've gone through this - I'm developing a thick skin, bitches. So, seriously, I dare you, push me too far and I might just have to make fun of you, loudly, the day your ID badge stops working. Or schedule a plethora of meetings every Friday afternoon from now until the day your unemployed ass is escorted out the door.

Am I insensitive? Maybe.

Jealous, however, is much more likely an accurate descriptor. Jigga, please. I could only wish I was unproductive enough & so incredibly untalented in the areas of maintaining an unnoticeable salary in addition to major ass kissing slash office politics to get handed a pink slip and a phat six months worth of severance pay, knowing full well once I returned from my six month jaunt across Asia-Pac, there would be another job ready and waiting.

So, Corporate America, come on and make my day. No, seriously... please do. Everyone hates a company that plays favorites.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Twelve-oh-Two, what, what?

Jackie O just voted, and it took me approximately two minutes to park and walk in, 15 seconds to sign in, 30 seconds to vote, and two minutes to walk back to my car.

So, thank you, I say, to all of you lazy-ass SMU kids who likely weren't forward-thinking enough to early vote, and (based on extremely slow precinct turnout today) whose right to vote ranks right up there in priority of importance with where Maria the maid gets her uniform or what kind of stamp your parents use when mailing your monthly Rover payment.

Whatever the case, thanks. Your indifference has given me the gift of time this afternoon, and also afforded me the luxury to tediously draw perfectly-shaped hearts over the I's on my write-in vote for none other than myself.

Jackie O-Eight.