Dear Jackie O, (Week 11)

A weekly (or not so weekly) installment answering your most pressing questions.

Dear Jackie O,
Capitalism works better from every perspective when the economic decision makers are forced to share power with those who will be affected by those decisions.

Hangin’ Like a Chad,
Your BF for Life

Dear Barney Frank,
Gosh darnit, Barney. I want to believe you. I want to put faith in your vision, in your intelligence. I want to know that you are so concerned with the good of the economy that you no longer leave time for personal grooming and/or hygiene.

But let’s be honest here. How the hell am I supposed to have confidence in a man whose appearance is one malt liquor-in-a-paper-bag away from homeless with the voice of a lung cancer-ridden Tweety Bird.

All my love,
Jackie O

-----

Dear Jackie O,
Did you hear about my genius appointment of Larry Throm, former CFO for Austin ISD, as the new CFO for DISD? Take THAT, Austin bitches.

This guy, he’s a game-changer, a revolutionary, a man who thinks outside of the box, someone who really knows how to innovate while facilitating the evolution of a truly collaborative environment, a leader who can take us from good to great, someone who can really get us to YES!

Feel free to pat me on my back and/or blow me at your earliest convenience.

Reveling in my own intelligenciosity,
Mikey H.

Dear DISD Superintendent Michael Hinojosa,
After you put down your rousing copy of Annoying, Overused & Completely Bull Shit Business Phrases to Make You Feel Sthmart, let’s revisit the idea that this man is leaving AUSTIN to move to DALLAS.

This, my friend, should give you some insight into the kind of mind-numbingly awful decision-making abilities he is about to put to good use with the DISD. God knows the only way to go is up. Hell, maybe even throw caution to the wind & go left. You are game-changers, right?

All my love,
Jackie O

-----

Dear Jackie O,
Tee-hee. Did you see how saweet we wewra to stwuggling home ownas fowa tha howidays? Don’t you just wanna snuggle up wid uws on a big puffy cloud fiwled wid gingaw-bwead houses and candy canes? Tee-hee. Oopsie! Time fowa weeeecess… and animal cwackas! Yay!! TTFN.

Bestie Bwo & Sis Foweva,
Fannie & Freddie

Dear Fannie Mae & Freddie Mac,
Awesome. Now Americans can commit suicide over the holidays in the comfort of their own homes while you choose between a giwaffe owa a whino.

Biting off the head is always the hardest part… for some reason, though, you don’t strike me as though you struggle with that – more so troubling is likely your competitions to see who can fit more in their tummy without puking. Oops. You both lost.

All my love,
Jackie O