Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Clearly, Angela Hunt's Husband Does Not Get Laid

Any hooker who is up at 3am furiously thumbing through her thesaurus to construct annoying-ass paragraphs like "The notion that the Trinity Toll Road either secures funds for the Trinity River Corridor Project or that its demise will eliminate or jeopardize funding for other aspects of the plan, is factually incorrect. While this premise has been central to the strategy used by toll road advocates (”Don’t send a billion dollars down the river…”), you do a disservice to your readers and this project by continuing to espouse untruths that are belied by the facts." obviously has a husband who hasn't seen poon-tang in quite some time.

Yeesh - and as I reread that paragraph, I just realized that the phrase 'espouse untruths' gives me the same gag reflex reaction that her husband likely had during his first few homo rendezvous on Katy Trail.

Aside from all of that, this discussion on the Trinity Toll Road between Angela Hunt (seen above, in case you missed her Glamour Shots photo circa 1993) & Wick Allison is an interesting read, and also one that likely makes most males in Dallas thrilled they don't have to beg to throw their hotdog down that hallway on a regular basis. She would probably call out Laura Miller's name during sex anyway, and who really wants the mental image of them scissoring? I can just see the thick-fabric, shoulder-padded skirt suits flying now. Yeesh, yeesh, yeesh.

Anyway, did I mention Wick Allison is my hero? The reason behind which can be seen simply by reading the opening line to his closing argument... "You are retailing once again the same arguments you wholesaled in 2007." The dorky writer in me smiles at such ingenuity.

So, get some beauty rest, Hunt. Spewing ugly all day out of three pounds of that Alexa Conomos-red lipstick simply has to get tiring.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I'd Be Lying

If I told you this concert was anything but fabulous. For those of you who haven't heard of Greg Laswell, which likely will be all of you, you should check him out.
Started listening to him a few years back, and was pleasantly surprised that I only had to pay $10 to see him in the coziest & one of my new favorite venues in Dallas, The Prophet Bar in Deep Ellum (formerly part of Gypsy). The bartender, who left half of the drinks we ordered off of our tab, informed me that Erykah Badu's band plays there regularly & she stops by to sing with them every so often - most recently a couple of weeks ago. Did I mention this is my new favorite place?

On another unrelated note, or 100% related, I'm so, so very hungover. Apparently, there is no gray area for me, and the term moderation means very little. Maybe one day when I am in my thirties I will stop drinking with the responsibility level of a high school freshman. Or not.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Let's Call a Basted Witch a Basted Witch.

I only slightly recall the last time I got in a cab & couldn't remember a damn thing to save my life, let alone my precious BlackBerry... it's called Stupid Wasted Bitch Drunk. Also known as precisely the category into which this SMUer would have fallen when she was allegedly robbed at gunpoint by her cab driver.

I mean, really, SMU Spokesperson Gary Shultz? It would have been less amusing to me had you not actually provided information that supported the antithesis of your argument:

When she reported the incident, she was unable to give a description of the driver and the cab.

Gary Shultz, a spokesman for the university, said the student, who has not been identified, is new and unfamiliar with the area.

“That’s why she was vague on the details,” he said.

That, of course, and the 9 shots of vodka doing the happy dance in her tummy awaiting their 4am curtain call at the Porcelain God Aqua Theatre in her Village apartment bathroom.

More importantly, in a world where 1+1 tends to equal 2, how the hell does a person being unfamiliar with her geographic location have any impact on her ability to describe a PERSON or A CAB?

I was 19 sheets to the wind at The Killers concert, actually tripped & fell in the grass, then rolled down the hill and into my cab that I was still able to identify the next day, once I realized my BlackBerry had gone missing. I had to cancel meetings until 2pm solely with the intent of ensuring I wouldn't puke on someone at the office... and was pulled over twice to yak on my way to work by my stomach reminding me never to drink again... and with all of that, you are telling me this basted witch couldn't remember YELLOW or BLUE covering the massive moving piece of metal that carried her home because she was from Scottsdale instead of Dallas?

Even with all of that, the most tell-tale piece of evidence was simply the fact that she was robbed at all. No cab driver in his right mind is going to pull a gun on a sober passenger in a marked cab with his driver's license, cab ID number, cab company name & phone number displayed in 176 pt. font for all the world to see, remember & use to send his ass to Cancun, where life as a cabbie is much less pleasant & much more basted witch-intensive. The plain & simple fact is that she was tee-tee consuelad, people, and likely doesn't have a case with legs that will ever hold up in a court of law. Class dismissed.

But what have we learned here, kiddos... it's situations like this that help mold the decisions one makes in the future. The next time she or another SMUer is in this situation, they will remember what happened, and do things differently. Who knew you actually had to give an SMU female a good reason to take a guy home with her at closing time?