Monday, March 2, 2009

Let's Call a Basted Witch a Basted Witch.

I only slightly recall the last time I got in a cab & couldn't remember a damn thing to save my life, let alone my precious BlackBerry... it's called Stupid Wasted Bitch Drunk. Also known as precisely the category into which this SMUer would have fallen when she was allegedly robbed at gunpoint by her cab driver.

I mean, really, SMU Spokesperson Gary Shultz? It would have been less amusing to me had you not actually provided information that supported the antithesis of your argument:

When she reported the incident, she was unable to give a description of the driver and the cab.

Gary Shultz, a spokesman for the university, said the student, who has not been identified, is new and unfamiliar with the area.

“That’s why she was vague on the details,” he said.

That, of course, and the 9 shots of vodka doing the happy dance in her tummy awaiting their 4am curtain call at the Porcelain God Aqua Theatre in her Village apartment bathroom.

More importantly, in a world where 1+1 tends to equal 2, how the hell does a person being unfamiliar with her geographic location have any impact on her ability to describe a PERSON or A CAB?

I was 19 sheets to the wind at The Killers concert, actually tripped & fell in the grass, then rolled down the hill and into my cab that I was still able to identify the next day, once I realized my BlackBerry had gone missing. I had to cancel meetings until 2pm solely with the intent of ensuring I wouldn't puke on someone at the office... and was pulled over twice to yak on my way to work by my stomach reminding me never to drink again... and with all of that, you are telling me this basted witch couldn't remember YELLOW or BLUE covering the massive moving piece of metal that carried her home because she was from Scottsdale instead of Dallas?

Even with all of that, the most tell-tale piece of evidence was simply the fact that she was robbed at all. No cab driver in his right mind is going to pull a gun on a sober passenger in a marked cab with his driver's license, cab ID number, cab company name & phone number displayed in 176 pt. font for all the world to see, remember & use to send his ass to Cancun, where life as a cabbie is much less pleasant & much more basted witch-intensive. The plain & simple fact is that she was tee-tee consuelad, people, and likely doesn't have a case with legs that will ever hold up in a court of law. Class dismissed.

But what have we learned here, kiddos... it's situations like this that help mold the decisions one makes in the future. The next time she or another SMUer is in this situation, they will remember what happened, and do things differently. Who knew you actually had to give an SMU female a good reason to take a guy home with her at closing time?

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