On the Serious Tip...

Below is what I posted at DMN's Dallas City Hall Blog re: the below Turner issue. Yes, I do have a serious bone in my body - who knew? But don't get too comfortable. I'll be tossing out inappropriate jokes again before you know it.

"No earmuffs necessary" version below:

Usually, I would use repetitive foul language and sarcastic childish insults to address an idea as asinine as this, and I have done so on my SoDallas blog, but for this post I'll be serious for once. Don't get used to it.

As someone who could directly benefit from this development based on proximity, I still could not be more opposed to it.

First of all, I have to question any proposal which involves us modeling something that replicates any part of the god-forsaken city of San Antonio. Good grief - I'd move us even further away if I could.

Second, it is grossly negligible for any businessperson in Dallas to throw out a concept like this who clearly has zero insight, nor did he seek out insight from the authorities who do have it, with regard to the economic impact for the airline industry, as well as global economy, this could have based on the costs associated with this change.

When making proposal with as wide-reaching of an impact as this, it is not just smart, but also your responsibility to point out the negative aspects that could impact the average citizen who at the end of the day will live with this decision. And if your case is a solid one, transparency regarding the negatives will only help in proving your case. Frankly, it is reckless to not do so.

Southwest Airlines is a cornerstone of the economic environment within the aviation industry, an industry which has more power than almost any other in terms of revenue generated globally. Turner is carelessly tossing this idea out there and positioning it as though moving is Southwest's only other option.

News flash. Based on the costs this could easily drive for them, costs that exist outside of the juvenile box of travel industry understanding from which Turner is clearly operating based on his proposal, Southwest would be gone in a heartbeat. And either way - whether moving to South Dallas or another city - they lose because all either option offers Southwest is a monstrosity of costs in operations, distribution and labor back-filling. And when Southwest loses, thus does the city of Dallas, the travel industry, and the global economy as a whole.

Do some research, Turner, before recklessly proposing ideas with a level of complexity you could not even begin to understand.

And lastly, I nary trust any company without the foresight to hire a graphic designer for its proposals or its website. Bad taste is bad taste, but maybe that explains San Antonio.

Whatever Randall Turner is smoking, while shooting it up his arm, while snorting it up his nose, I want some.

Holy Bajoses, Turner. Please tell me you just pulled off the biggest practical joke of your life today when telling Dallas that it should CLOSE Love Field, while keeping a straight face the whole time. Bravo.

Quick question, though: what the FUCK were you thinking?

That's like me telling Christ Almighty that "Ehhh, you know how you have been positioning this whole "heaven" place as our eternal "home" and all? Well, I'm sure you will agree once you see these revenue projections that moving it over to the left & down a smidge would be no biggie. Your angels DO fly, right? Whip up some pearly gates for that Purgatory place, and no one will ever know the difference!"

And when you so thoughtfully stated how you "see no negatives whatsoever" in creating a monstrosity of ridiculous costs to move to Oak Cliff the only airline in this great nation still within reach, albeit a Dirk Nowitzki-length reach, of profitability and replace it with the shittiest performing industry in Dallas right now - residential motherfucking real estate?

Per this statement on your website, and I use the term website generously, "When we learn of a potential opportunity, our team immediately investigates it, putting together budgetary projections and an in-depth analysis to determine if the project meets our standards for profitability or not."

That's great, Randy-Rand. Sounds like this project meets your standards. But here's something to save for later when your abacus is handy and your head is not up your ass - Southwest traffics 11 BILLION DOLLARS of air segment revenue through this fair city every year. Why I have a hunch that Dallas makes more on that $11B than the shitty 100 million you project your project will bring in, not including the ancillary revenue that is generated by travelers, I'm not sure... not to mention to the price pressure Southwest's existence puts on AA, impacting the ENTIRE ECONOMIC CLIMATE you ruh-tard.

And next thing you know, John Wiley Price & his crazy-lovin' ass will be all over this idea. Then, Randall, you can take a backseat, enjoy the JWP show, and tippy-toe-tap-dance off into the sea, or Bachman Lake in this case. Pitter pat amongst goodie-goodie gumdrops where people travel via unicorn, magic carpet & fairy-dust, where the dirty pirate hookers who work for you are actually pretty pink princesses with pixie dust and glass slippers, and where heaven is now just a hop-skip and a fiery jump away thanks to your ability to convince the Lord of Heaven and Earth that the infinity zip code was no longer, in the words of Dallas commercial real estate Douchebagology, at Main & Main.

Go suck on a cap rate.

3EB's Stephan Jenkins Officially Out of Closet

Okay, maybe not "officially," but after some of his not-so-subtle comments last night, any female counterpart in his life currently should be aware that a strap-on will likely be required at some point. I'm just sayin.

Overall, the show was incredible as usual - other than the dumb bitch from Houston who was oh-so-shocked when Jenkins mentioned her city & everyone booed. Her quick-witted & never heard before $30,000 millionaire retort left all of us deeply wounded soon after.

Not to mention that she consciously chose to wear 4-inch high heels to a standing-only concert. Sweetheart, I hate to break the news, but secret's out. Your fat ass legs don't look less disgusting by lifting your calves up a few inches - get on a treadmill. Or just sit outside in the sauna that is your shitty city for a few minutes each day.

To be sure, though, if there is one city on the planet that deserves to be booed, it's Houston. The only shittier city in this great nation is Orlando, and at least they have a few roller coasters.

So, Houston, please be a dear, and eat a huge dick. But if you wait patiently until tonight, Stephan Jenkins just might do it for you. Enjoy.

Somewhere Gerard Arpey Just Asked "What?! We have a website? On the intertubes?"

Dustin Curtis took it upon himself to spend a "couple hours" redesigning AA.com, and explains why here.

My favorite excerpt?

"Fire your entire design team, if you have one. Hire an outside design firm on an emergency timetable to design your online experience, and build it as quickly as possible. Your in-house team is obviously incapable of building a good experience. Get outside help."

A local shop-owner responded soon after with this weak excuse for a signed, sealed & delivered lip-glossified ass kiss.

Aha Shake Heartbreak

Hey District 13, Check Your Mailbox.

When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold.

Oh, Central Expressway. I heart you so.

Vote RYAN: He Drive Fast, Tie Huge Bows

Clever, Mr. Ryan... If I had 16 opportunities over the last 10 years to snap a few glamour shots for my campaign while I was being pulled over by a cop after traveling an average of 30 MPH over the speed limit, soon to be followed by my asinine declaration of innocence as you did...
"I'm innocent until proven guilty. If I felt like I was doing something wrong, I would have paid the tickets."
Then maybe I really am qualified to weasel Dallas out of its re-fucking-diculous deficit, a descriptor one might also use to refer to the bows you put in your daughters' hair for these staged photos... the likes of which they will be snorting coke off of in their late teens/early twenties, wishing their childhood had been filled with memories other than their father selecting his "power suspenders" of the day, then rolling around in a vat of cash.

But, to be fair, rolling around in piles of cash did work for Bobby Tilton... and at this point, beggars can't be choosers in this fair city... so show me where to park the getaway Lambo, Brint-Brint, and we'll re-build this city on much more than late 80's rock & roll.

Now, if you could just show me where exactly it is we go to vote... you know... that government building... where you go... when you vote... in all those elections you participated in... with that stellar voting record of yours... when you gave a shit about the community... the place where you bubble in your vote with pencil... not pen... the large building with the signs VOTE HERE outside... that place you never actually went to pay your tickets... that building that has frequently processed your arrest warrants based on your unpaid speeding tickets... you know... where we VOTE?! I swear to God I'm going to vote for you... just as long as my sweet-ass million dollar tax corporation, whose job is to steal every possible penny it can from the government in tax dollars for those large corporations you common folk hate... those same taxes we steal for those companies that you subsequently end up paying for in your own individual taxes... that, Brint Ryan, is the only reason I could possibly think of that might get in the way of me showing up to vote for you on May 9th.

Bitch gotta eat, you know?

Debauchery Isn't Recession-Proof

The rumor mill, she's a churnin.

Heard a few interesting things over the weekend about a few of our beloved sanctuaries o' fornication, Suite & Ghost Bar.

Apparently, Suite has some sort of new investor/ownership as Giese makes his move toward the ventures he originally set out to tackle in this hallowed city of Dallas. The original plan included Giese & Co's continued involvement in the day-to-day operations of the club.

However, rumors have recently surfaced surrounding facts that the new partner in this venture has seen face time a few years ago on the show How to Catch a Predator. And based on the number of underage dirty pirate hookers that jiggle their goods on the stripper poles each week, this investment was one that has likely piqued much more than his interest. Lame jokes aside, Giese is supposedly pulling his crew back from any association with the new ownership - and from the looks of the newly launched Suite web presence/shittiest website I have ever seen/my 4 year-old niece could throw-up on a keyboard with Dreamweaver open & create something better, it seem these rumors may be true.

And in other news that no intelligent person should give a shit about, Ghost Bar is rumored to be closing soon. The hundreds of drunk screams from $500 table service-mooching skanks that echo throughout Uptown every weekend evening as I try to pass out/fall asleep... beg to differ.

Feel free to let me know that my info is from shitty sources in the comments section below. I'm making a task reminder in Outlook now to completely ignore you.

Clearly, Angela Hunt's Husband Does Not Get Laid

Any hooker who is up at 3am furiously thumbing through her thesaurus to construct annoying-ass paragraphs like "The notion that the Trinity Toll Road either secures funds for the Trinity River Corridor Project or that its demise will eliminate or jeopardize funding for other aspects of the plan, is factually incorrect. While this premise has been central to the strategy used by toll road advocates (”Don’t send a billion dollars down the river…”), you do a disservice to your readers and this project by continuing to espouse untruths that are belied by the facts." obviously has a husband who hasn't seen poon-tang in quite some time.

Yeesh - and as I reread that paragraph, I just realized that the phrase 'espouse untruths' gives me the same gag reflex reaction that her husband likely had during his first few homo rendezvous on Katy Trail.

Aside from all of that, this discussion on the Trinity Toll Road between Angela Hunt (seen above, in case you missed her Glamour Shots photo circa 1993) & Wick Allison is an interesting read, and also one that likely makes most males in Dallas thrilled they don't have to beg to throw their hotdog down that hallway on a regular basis. She would probably call out Laura Miller's name during sex anyway, and who really wants the mental image of them scissoring? I can just see the thick-fabric, shoulder-padded skirt suits flying now. Yeesh, yeesh, yeesh.

Anyway, did I mention Wick Allison is my hero? The reason behind which can be seen simply by reading the opening line to his closing argument... "You are retailing once again the same arguments you wholesaled in 2007." The dorky writer in me smiles at such ingenuity.

So, get some beauty rest, Hunt. Spewing ugly all day out of three pounds of that Alexa Conomos-red lipstick simply has to get tiring.