Wednesday, September 10, 2008

DFW/American Too Closely Resembling Hell; Satan Responds, Ups '09 Fire Spend

Leave it to the geniuses who were originally designing the interior décor of DFW International Airport to somehow find a way to make a concrete-ridden, visually drab city even drabber.
I’m not sure if we were going for the visual illusion of making people feel like they were completely surrounded by concrete no matter whether they were inside or outside… but if so, A+. I've been inside of insane asylums with more appeal. Grey tile, grey walls, grey holes into the abyss of what today is home to the most frequently tardy airline in the world… which really is the point of Jackie O’s crankiness today.

My business trip this week to the one city that is even more disgusting weather-wise than Dallas showed me nothing different than what I usually experience… delayed flights, both ways, due to mechanical failures… and pilots whose announcements sound something like a 3 year-old apologizing for pooping his pants – just less sincerely.

“Hey folks… well, we sorta apologize for the delay… this plane was late getting here because we had to put duct tape on the engine to ensure it didn’t fall off on the way to Dallas… and we could figure out where the darn tape began. Don’t you hate that?... Well, it worked just barely enough to get us here, so that was good. Damn it... has anyone seen my Funions?

Anyway, where was I… Oh, now we are just waiting for another roll of tape since our piece of shit operations team can’t seem to figure out what the hell it means to keep planes in the air. Johnny Mechanic just ran to Home Depot and should be back any minute.

BUT because we are such an incredible airline and you are honored to even be sitting on this plane, we are going to hand out headphones for FREE and put on a FREE movie, which should more than make up for our complete inability to do the one thing you pay us an astronomical amount to do – fly. Instead, here are some headphones that usually are sold at a 2,000% markup in-flight. Crazy thing is, it actually costs us more in fuel to haul these things around on our plane than the sweatshops in China charge us at 8 cents a pop – but we will certainly take every opportunity to swindle your sorry ass even more so than our gate attendants did on your $15 baggage fee.

You can, however, thank us for giving you the experience of a lifetime – not many people can say they know what it feels like to get raped – you, however, have been granted that priceless opportunity. Wait a few days, however, and we will start charging you for that as well. Because at American Airlines, we know why you fly.”

So, thanks American. Hugs & kisses. And you can, in the most loving way possible, eat a dick for all of the work I now have to catch up on thanks to your scheduling & mechanical ineptitude that seem to resemble a retard trying to conquer a Rubik’s Cube.

Can't wait for next week.

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