Wednesday, August 19, 2009


For those of you ladies feeling a little down in the dumps about not making the cut for this year's Ten Most Beautiful Women contest courtesy of DMagazine, let me put your mind at ease.

This year's crop of contestants gives a little transparency into just how much D has been hurting from its recent layoffs. Last year when I read the profiles of each girl chosen as a candidate, it left me feeling quite shallow, selfish and uncaring about my community. It inspired me to drink more and forget about how poorly I stacked up against those noble women.

This year when I perused the candidate lineup, the visual appeal of which is littered with hints of "We got hot retarded wasted, then made our final selections," I was left feeling like the bright and shiny others-centered ideal role model in a sinner-laden city in need of a lemondrop martini toting savior.

A few gem excerpts from this year's cream of the Dallas crop:

Candidate #2 -Charity Beaver: "This woman deserves votes for her name alone... She divides her time between Cooper, the Dallas Country Club, and Equinox, but this lady isn’t all work and no play. “I’m a wino,” she says, laughing. “And I love cheeseboards. I have one at least once a week.”

I too think she deserves votes for her name alone, but not her first name. And what WOULD we do without the great work she is doing in the community at the three most expensive places to workout and/or breathe in Dallas. However, 2 Beaver points for Charity thanks to the wino quote.

Candidate #3 - Christina Campfield: "This former Miss Dallas USA is more than just a pretty face."

You sure about that DMag? The whopping 99 words you dedicated to explain why she's a finalist speaks for itself. Or may-be you need-ed 2 keep it sim-ple so the can-di-dates would-n't(not) get over-whelmed when read-ing their own pro-files.

Candidate #7 - Bee Lee: "She participates in charity runs and does yoga and then mixes things up at the Ritz, PM Lounge, and Mi Cocina."

So, in the application when you said note their various volunteer efforts and contributions within the community, you actually meant remove the world volunteer... and replace it with over-priced bar hopping and/or binge drinking? Fuck me for not applying. I would've been a shoe-in.

Candidate #10 - Lisa Medlen: "...She’s never felt the need to pull up stakes and move elsewhere. “There’s so much to do here,” she says. “We don’t have the ocean or mountains, but we have great exhibits at the Nasher, shopping, and restaurants.”"

Sooo... concrete. We have concrete.

Candidate #14 - Merlene Phillips: "She has a successful business that allows her to counsel people who have serious issues with food including teenagers battling an eating disorder."

Marlene, please see candidates #1, 3, 10, 17, and 18.

Candidate #16 - Victoria Snee: The SMU grad made her way to Dallas as soon as she could, and save for a brief stint at a television station in Wichita Falls, she hasn’t left."

Holy shit, if the only city I had ever lived in other than Dallas was Wichita Falls, I'd get back as fast as I could too.

Candidate #18 - Kameron Westcott: "When she’s not importing fabrics from Brazil or sketching a trench coat for Fido, she spends time with her new husband, Court (owner of upscale nail salon Polished in Plano)."

So many things wrong with this sentence. My nausea overfloweth, just like the feeling "Court" likely gets every time he is forced to stick his pee-pee in anything other than a pooh-pooh.

Candidate #19 - Kinsey Wilton: "They were talking about when you are destined to meet someone... like... you know... like 'You've Got Mail' I guess... I mean, what's that word? (interviewer: "soulmate?") Yeah... soulmate."

Kinsey, I love you. I really do. Thank God you are pretty enough to make up for comments like that. Unfortunately for your competitors, between Big Nose Magee and Drunk Goggles Gilda, they are not. This lineup is harder on the eyes and ears than any man has ever gotten after viewing.

I need a drink... DMag, can I get some of whatever you had? Or please, please humor me and tell me this is the wittiest piece of work your magazine has ever published. If that is true, and I know you have it in you, you will find me Standing. Clapping. Martini in hand.

All my love,
Jackie O

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Nice comeback, Houston. I guess we're officially in a prank war? HTown: 1 Me: 0

Because that's what I do when I'm bored... YouTube a video of my apartment.