Winner Winner, Vodka Dinner

If you haven't found this little slice of heaven where the ring/hook game resides, as did my drunkass on Wednesday night, you are an unfortunate soul in an even more unfortunate city. How a ring, a hook, and four vodka tonics keep me sane during the work-week, I'll never know. But I'm grateful... hungover, but grateful.

SURVIVORBITCH

The natives stare at me like I’m the most evil thing that has ever graced this jungle… like just seeing me has ruined their day. Now I know how the neon lights on the Hunt Building feel.

My blind ambition and can-do attitude in this here forest of printer paper, politicking and penny-pinching executives were likely refreshing at some point… and assuredly reminded each of my cube neighbors of the same day they had walked in the door many years, or decades ago.

Now here I sit, with a bulls-eye on my forehead, typing furiously to keep up with the four jobs that have been piled on my sole plate. Cost maintenance, they call it – not layoffs like the rest of the world. I call it the demise of the high-potential, Gen Y employee & shitty management.

I’ve been given a laptop, an unlimited supply of Diet Sunkist, headphones, and a customer support team nine worlds away from me to survive. I tried to fashion a surrender flag out of the Sunkist label, but no one seems to get it… or just too frantic themselves to acknowledge it. Plus, it's sort of orange. That can be confusing. Regardless, my office humor these days seems not nearly as humorous to those who share this jungle with me.

They are all too busy looking for a job… or figuring out a way to screw up their transition documents so badly I can’t help but fail. Based on what I have seen so far, I’m confident it’s the latter. My dog could have eaten an ink cartridge and shit out clearer instructions onto paper than what these people are leaving behind. So it goes.

Back to the jungle, for now. More to come.

It's the Little Things

Lately, I have noticed, people in Dallas are mildly surprising me. Whether in good, bad or re-damn-diculous ways, it’s still the unexpected in a monotonous week I can’t help but appreciate.

1) To the guy in the Jeep on the other side of 35, thanks for flashing your lights repeatedly, thus saving me from a ticket & a possible physical attack against a cop amidst my deferred adjudication probationary period.

2) To the waitress at Idle Rich who didn’t laugh out loud at me on Wednesday as I ordered a Mexican Martini, of all things, thank you – and you are a better woman than I ever aspire to be.

3) To the friend who accompanied me to said bar & blindly encouraged drinks 4 & 5, thus leading me to one miserable, headache & nausea-filled day of segmentation analysis meetings, you suck… in a loving way, of course.

4) To the bitch in the grey Lexus who cut me off today out of nowhere, go fuck yourself. And your car is ugly. No argument necessary, just ugly.

5) To my neighbors whose trashy friends forced my apartment complex to start limiting the number of guests allowed at our pool on the weekends, I repeat, get a job, and maybe some professional help.

6) To these people, stop making me look bad. I like being lazy – love it, actually. This is the only job I have that doesn’t involve, well, work. Let’s keep it that way.

7) Last, but certainly not least, to sweet little pasta bowl lady at Eatzi’s with lipstick so perfectly applied even Mary Kay herself would be in awe, you rock my world – and my tummy. Your culinary prowess scared my hangover off so fast I was actually able to enjoy my afternoon nap in the health room at work.

That Credit Limit Isn't Going to Spend Itself

Not sure what is more incredible: 1) These dumbasses believing that having the 2nd generation iPhone the second it is released actually adds to their quality of life somehow & is worth losing a night of sleep & a day of work over 2) The fact that they are probably using their 1st gen iPhone, still working just fine, to text & chat while waiting to buy the 2nd one. "But it's a deal at $200!" they claim... OR 3) Me wasting 3 seconds of my life snapping this picture.

What is it, guys... do you really think you have outsmarted Apple? That they are the morons for selling such a fine piece of equipment for a measely $200? Or is it that they are pure geniuses who held on to their high price point for just long enough to where they have fooled you into believing not only is it a good idea, but a steal at $200.

Even funnier is the anger they exhibit as you snap their photo... with a BlackBerry. "What the fuck are you doing?" the angry Apple-lovers ask. Laughing at your bitch-asses, I think to myself. No, buddy, I'm not emailing this to your boss to whom you will be calling in your sick day tomorrow (from my MacBook Pro, no less, that I bought for a steal at $3,000 - on which I've already had to replace the logic board... twice. Thank goodness for the deal that is AppleCare @ a chintcy $300. I use coupons at Whole Foods & avoid McKinney Ave. gas stations so I can wipe my Apple-loving ass with $300. And so do you, apparently). I know you need that job to pay those credit card bills for all of those necessities you purchase... those items of true need versus want.

Hope 3G is everything you dreamed - and if not, I'm sure Apple will have your next need ready & waiting for a deal... thank the Good Lord for consumers like you, without whom I would not be employed.

UPDATE: I'm sorry, but what? When did free time become as worthless as a guest list as Suite?

Lung Cancer Never Looked So Good

There's a very good reason this man was so relaxed at board meetings:

While this man looks like he's about to crap his pants 24/7:
Alright, fair enough. They both look like they are about to crap their pants - I think Herb just legitimately might have been constipated.

Nevertheless, when interviewed recently, Gerard Arpey (pictured above), CEO of American Airlines, was quoted discussing increasing flight fees & costs stating he does not think we (AMR) necessarily have done a good job in explaining the impact of high oil prices.

He then went on to explain how 1+1 usually equals 2, that swimming within an hour of eating is bad for your tummy, that Tila Tequila is a dirty pirate hooker and that the earth really is round.

"Holy shit, I had no idea," no one was quoted after reading the interview.

$4.83 & counting, kids. Bankruptcy filing ETA: Aug 31, 2008. Sunday, Bloody Sunday.

Any takers?

Damn. The Jig is Up.

This makes me smile. Those rampant Dallas street girls? Not so much.