1) To the guy in the Jeep on the other side of 35, thanks for flashing your lights repeatedly, thus saving me from a ticket & a possible physical attack against a cop amidst my deferred adjudication probationary period.
3) To the friend who accompanied me to said bar & blindly encouraged drinks 4 & 5, thus leading me to one miserable, headache & nausea-filled day of segmentation analysis meetings, you suck… in a loving way, of course.
4) To the bitch in the grey Lexus who cut me off today out of nowhere, go fuck yourself. And your car is ugly. No argument necessary, just ugly.
5) To my neighbors whose trashy friends forced my apartment complex to start limiting the number of guests allowed at our pool on the weekends, I repeat, get a job, and maybe some professional help.
6) To these people, stop making me look bad. I like being lazy – love it, actually. This is the only job I have that doesn’t involve, well, work. Let’s keep it that way.7) Last, but certainly not least, to sweet little pasta bowl lady at Eatzi’s with lipstick so perfectly applied even Mary Kay herself would be in awe, you rock my world – and my tummy. Your culinary prowess scared my hangover off so fast I was actually able to enjoy my afternoon nap in the health room at work.