Way to Go, Dallas. You Just Pissed Off Your Crankiest Citizens.

The Dallas City Council today voted to expand the smoking ban. It now includes all smoking in Dallas bars & near business entrances as a part of that ban.

So, let's review. What we really have here are a few new problems.

First, smokers at any company who already get an extra two weeks of vaca by smoking 3X a day for 10 minutes each time have now doubled that. Add the hike they now will have to put in to get within a legally far enough distance from their business entrance to comply, and we are looking at four extra weeks of vacation. I mean, holy shit! Get me to the nearest 7-11. Time to take up smoking.

Second, you have just sent Dallas club owners through the roof. Let's be honest - being a Dallas bouncer at most locations isn't exactly rocket science. But you have made it exactly that, and a friggin MBA is going to be a necessary qualification. Now every night at every club there is going to have to be a secondary line for those who already made it through the first by kissing ass & dropping names, but stepped outside for a quick smoke break or six. Figuring out how many people are actually in your club at any given time will be an act of Congress - and ironically may create a fire hazzard. Add the fourth douchebag, divide by 972, carry the one hundredth bitch in a skanky Forever 21 dress... and you have yourself a motherfucking logistical nightmare.

Third, you have officially set The Loon up for utter embarrassment.
The little guy has been truckin' along for so many years... so proud of his strong drinks and crowded, yet cozy spaces. Never really embarrassed by the gift of smell he sends every patron home with each and every night... the only gift, other than an STD, that keeps on giving with the same gusto as it originally had. And frankly, on any given night, you might come away with both.

But now, now you have taken away the variable that excused the wretched scent that could always be attributed to the cigs. And I am 100% confident that The Loon's walls, carpet, chairs, couches and concrete will all carry on the torch of disgustingness long after the new ban is passed... leaving him awkward and embarrassed for many years to come. Maybe they will compensate with stronger drinks? I do heart me some liver damage. Yummy.

Finally, what are all of the single "social smoker" bitches going to do now? When they get to the point of drunk rage when they HAVE to have a cigarrette - which also means they are too tee-tee gonzalezed to remember it's illegal when you tell them they can't... and will inevitably end the evening in utter shame & disaster, without the comforting taste of stale cig breath the next morning to remind them how drunk they were, subsequently excusing them of their other ridiculously inappropriate & embarassing behaviors. What are THEY going to do, Dallas? Did you think about that?

Again, hundreds of people all over the city are impacted every day by what you people vote on in positions of power such as yours. You are changing lives, making horrible habits that much more difficult to continue, putting ugly girls in awkward positions at bars without a cig to keep them company, and keeping alcohol - bless his little heart - all alone in the big bad world of legal late-night vices.

Thanks for nothin, assholes... or a few extra years of my life for all the second hand smoke I will now avoid. Whatever. Who really wants to live to 86 versus 82 anyways?

Thank You Dallas, My Love, for Keeping Me Entertained Even on Mondays

Isn't this kind of like me asking for an NCAA football national championship from Baylor this year? Or for John Wiley Price to give a speech at an upcoming Klan rally? Or for Ash & Marge (featured below) to 1) exercise via jogging versus purging and 2) come away from said jog without bruises all over their chin & stomach?

Seems slightly re-God-damn-diculous to me, Dallas.

Almost as ridiculous as this story about SMU's new 36-point plan to basically buy a "culture shift" to combat the recent OD deaths that just seem do gosh-darn peculiar to the administration. Flabbergasted, they are. Darn-it-all-to-heck. I'm just stumped silly as well. Aw-shucksy.

Here's a tip. Why don't we start by not creating a 36-POINT PLAN that any average SMU student will be forced to snort 100mg of addy just to make it past point seven? And seriously, what would SMU's b-school entrepreneurship program be without weekend basement coke deals at Suite? It's the foundation of Cox's notorious success, to be sure - not to mention the reason commerce is alive and well in this great city amidst a pitiful economy.

Don't kill that entrepreneurial spirit (and the future dollars that go along with it) that has built establishments like Urban Taco and Campisi's on foundations of white powder just to save a few lives, SMU... where do you think that $750M is going to come from?

And what a waste... what a waste. Because, damn it, that coke isn't going to snort itself.