Monday, April 14, 2008

Betrayed by the Slurpee.

Oh Jimbo… Jimmy… Jim... James, is it?

I’ve sat tight. Made ninja jokes. Sat tighter. Truly, squeezing ass cheeks every time I read about your next moves. But no more. I don’t have it in me to watch Blockbuster out-punt its coverage any longer.

And with the recent Circuit City maneuver, I’m… at a loss… for words. When I bought your adorable little stock at $6.50 way back when, I was sure it was a great purchase with you and your 7-11 comrades soon to take the helm.
But oh how wrong a Coke Slurpee can lead one astray, while bringing utter happiness and joy out of a plastic cup all at the same time.

The neon colored spoon-straws? Genius. The see-thru large cups? They make my Slurpee look so much jucier and bigger all at once. (Mark.) Maybe you could craft a colossally giant see-thru Slurpee cup and build it around the Blockbuster HQ… or even the stock itself…

You see, the evolution of the Slurpee hasn’t been drastic, but it certainly has been successful and has always embodied exactly what it means to have a true competitive advantage within a highly-competitive industry… the antithesis of what it seems Blockbuster’s MO has so emphatically and destructively been in the 21st century.

And what we have now is a perfect merge of a once-great Blockbuster with the historically and forever-will-be (pardon me) shitty Circuit City. The breadth and depth of my dislike for this ridiculously and irreparably retarded company somehow outweighs my annoyance of your stock’s continual and unrelenting plummet. Frankly, how the hell do you expect for this to be your saving grace? I never saw the railroads putting offers on rickshaw companies in the 50’s to compete with the auto industry. Yet, here we are.

I have held out with faith for oh so long, watching in bewilderment – wondering what you have up your sleeve. Now, I’m hedging my bets by betting in pools on when you file for bankruptcy, just as Circuit City has contemplated repeatedly for so very long. And while I watch, almost with amusement now, I will sip away on my large Coke Slurpee… every last drop… just as someday my children, and my children’s children will. The irony, however, lies in the fact that if I calculate just how much I have spent over the years on Slurpees (Ages 7-18, 330 days per year, $1.29 each), it still pales in comparison to how much I have lost on Blockbuster stock in the last twelve months.

So, Jimmy Keyes, do me a favor. Send your cute little paperwork over to the SEC by July 3, take Circuit City down with you, and my forgiveness you shall have. I’d pay a lot more than what I did for your stock to never have to be visually harassed, sexually harassed, not offered any help whatsoever or forced to wait in a customer service line for 20 minutes to check out again at that God-forsaken miserable excuse for an electronics store you are so very eager to purchase.

Now, let's go grab a delicious frozen Coke Judas, and forget about our troubles... forget about our cares.

All my love,
Jackie O

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