Dear Jackie O,
This bad press in Dallas is so annoying. No way we could have foreseen this decline in Hummer sales due to fuel concerns… The segment five years ago was very strong. I don’t think anyone could have foreseen all these shifts.
Packin' for my eminent vaca,
87 Octane Cures Cancer
Dear Martin Walsh, General Manager of Hummer Division,
Really? You didn’t notice any one of the 1,030 articles I was able to just pull up from 2003 involving Hummers and their fuel economy?
Hmm. I guess it’s possible you were busy bathing your unicorn, so I understand. I know those little guys get so dirty sometimes.
All my love,
Jackie O
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Dear Jackie O,
Please stop stalking us about accepting Microsoft’s offer. Seriously. We want a better one. And when they use words like “deadline” and “hostile takeover,” we laugh over here. It’s comical really. Hmph. Hah. Ahemm. Haha.
Come 'N get me,
Yahooooooooo!
Dear Yahoo CEO Jerry Yang,
Isn’t your company demanding a better offer slightly synonymous with a mouse who has been living in a snake cage crossing his arms at feeding time, staring the snake in the eye, and demanding he spray a little Binaca before dining? All my love,
Jackie O
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Dear Jackie O,
I guess you saw the news… Rasanksy’s vote is out. My quest for bad-assness seems to be close to its end. Not to mention, I smell like freaking tires & gasoline after this weekend. Sheesh.
Lonely on the South Side,
DCC
Dear Dallas Convention Center,
Wait, you don’t love the smell of gas? I do… but more importantly, you have nothing to worry about. An old sewage field was turned into Victory Park, so just think how much more potential you have! Hobos galore, an exterior made of gorgeous, top-of-the-line concrete, and an underground tunnel that makes even me pee my pants out of fear in the middle of the day – your aura just screams fancy hotels and expensive restaurants based on this city's standards... so don't you worry your pretty little head.
All my love,
Jackie O
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Dear Jackie O,
If you were a few years younger and a few condo developments short of a tanking housing market, I’d have used my religiously-blessed charm to woo you to my fabulous compound in Eldorado. We could have had a baker’s dozen of children and I could have grown old by your side as I tried to sexually assault at least four of them. It could have been heavenly.
Awaiting My Fate,
Jeffy-Jeff
Dear Warren Jeffs, Former Polygamist Compound Leader & Accused Rapist,
Please literally go F yourself, although I’m hoping a very large man named Tiny is keeping that part of your anatomy thoroughly occupied in your cell in AZ.
Every part of your story disgusts me, but the little town of Waco
& the creepy old man in the trailer who spends every fall chasing off the curious new freshman class at Baylor University did want me to pass along this to you & the town of Eldorado: “Thank Yer, and Gawd Bless.”
They also sent me a few pre-emptive nicknames to help move along the transition:
Eldoraging Crazy-o's
Eldo, Eldo, Eldo-wanna-polygamy-here-anymore
And the age-old classic, Eldowacko
All my love,
Jackie O
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1 comment:
Hee hee hee... this was a good one.
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