Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Whatever Randall Turner is smoking, while shooting it up his arm, while snorting it up his nose, I want some.

Holy Bajoses, Turner. Please tell me you just pulled off the biggest practical joke of your life today when telling Dallas that it should CLOSE Love Field, while keeping a straight face the whole time. Bravo.

Quick question, though: what the FUCK were you thinking?

That's like me telling Christ Almighty that "Ehhh, you know how you have been positioning this whole "heaven" place as our eternal "home" and all? Well, I'm sure you will agree once you see these revenue projections that moving it over to the left & down a smidge would be no biggie. Your angels DO fly, right? Whip up some pearly gates for that Purgatory place, and no one will ever know the difference!"

And when you so thoughtfully stated how you "see no negatives whatsoever" in creating a monstrosity of ridiculous costs to move to Oak Cliff the only airline in this great nation still within reach, albeit a Dirk Nowitzki-length reach, of profitability and replace it with the shittiest performing industry in Dallas right now - residential motherfucking real estate?

Per this statement on your website, and I use the term website generously, "When we learn of a potential opportunity, our team immediately investigates it, putting together budgetary projections and an in-depth analysis to determine if the project meets our standards for profitability or not."

That's great, Randy-Rand. Sounds like this project meets your standards. But here's something to save for later when your abacus is handy and your head is not up your ass - Southwest traffics 11 BILLION DOLLARS of air segment revenue through this fair city every year. Why I have a hunch that Dallas makes more on that $11B than the shitty 100 million you project your project will bring in, not including the ancillary revenue that is generated by travelers, I'm not sure... not to mention to the price pressure Southwest's existence puts on AA, impacting the ENTIRE ECONOMIC CLIMATE you ruh-tard.

And next thing you know, John Wiley Price & his crazy-lovin' ass will be all over this idea. Then, Randall, you can take a backseat, enjoy the JWP show, and tippy-toe-tap-dance off into the sea, or Bachman Lake in this case. Pitter pat amongst goodie-goodie gumdrops where people travel via unicorn, magic carpet & fairy-dust, where the dirty pirate hookers who work for you are actually pretty pink princesses with pixie dust and glass slippers, and where heaven is now just a hop-skip and a fiery jump away thanks to your ability to convince the Lord of Heaven and Earth that the infinity zip code was no longer, in the words of Dallas commercial real estate Douchebagology, at Main & Main.

Go suck on a cap rate.

4 comments:

David said...

Hahaha great post and a fun read.

We put down the cannabis and decided that Dallas deserved something great.

We believe that relocating flight operations from Love Field is best for the city in every way. A 2006 study estimates that the total economic activity generated by Love Field is $4 billion yearly. That $4 billion can be moved to Love Field and replaced by $32+ billion generated by The Texas Riviera. The $100 million figure you saw was tax revenue to the city. This is to replace an average LOSS of about $800k to the city on Love Field.

The key that makes this concept work is the river. A walkable live / work / play community of this size built around a river and smaller canals branching off of it would turn Dallas into a national and international destination city. The development would include a Southwest Airlines Fortune 500 Corporate Park, a variety of 40+ restaurants, and entertainment venues ranging from an outdoor festival area to a music and nightlife district to a minor league sports stadium. The best part is that because the city owns the land, it can be affordable to the vast majority of citizens.

If you still have any concerns or would any questions, please email me at dloving@harvardco.com

By the way, I'm not really sure if being referred to as a " dirty pirate hooker" is an insult or a compliment (I always wanted to be a pirate!)...


-David

Jackie O said...

I appreciate the "Keep it classy, San Diego" response, David... but in doing so, you avoided my point.

What research have you done on the impact this would have on the airline industry, and moreso on the travel industry as a whole, including tourism dollars based on airport proximity - most specifically business travel needs, corporate HQ decisions, etc?(assuming I don't need to reiterate that travel is THE largest industry in the entire world... or maybe I do?)

And I guess I still struggle with how some canals would make Dallas an international destination... but then again, it worked for Las Colinas, right?

All my love,
Jackie O

iheartyourbrains said...

David you tard. Dallas SUCKS BIG HAIRY BALLS. No one, NO ONE wants to go to Dallas, it will NEVER be a destination city, it has nothing going for it at all and the river smells like shit, who would want to be near it?

I'm just going to comment on the Bishop Arts picture, I have no idea nor do I give two shits about who Randall Turner is, I just happened upon this post somehow via google. I lived in Dallas for a year until I hightailed it out of there and came back to NYC. I lived in Bishop Arts and in my opinion, having lived in lots and lots of cities, it's the best area in Dallas, it's still got a ways to go, to be a fully self sufficient neighborhood but the residents there are fully committed to making it a self contained neighborhood (i.e. it needs more options for grocery stores, rather than driving 20 minutes to Whole Foods). For the next month until I fly into Dallas and drive a Uhaul with all my stuff and boyfriend back to Brooklyn, I've got one foot in both states so I still keep track of what's going on there. The little shopping area of the Arts District is pretty quickly going from being cheesy and only perceived as cool by people who have never actually been to a cool city, to genuinely being cool. Dallas is by far my least favorite city I have ever and will ever live in and I will never forgive my boyfriend for moving there and I tend to remind him of that, but my apartment there is by far the greatest one I have ever seen period, let alone lived in, and I loved my neighborhood, it's just unfortunate that it was surrounded by the cesspool/gateway to hell that is Dallas.

And I would have to agree that closing Love Field would be an incredibly stupid move, but I wouldn't really expect Dallas politicians, city planners (if they even actually have any which is doubtful), and developers to anything other than something stupid. I exclusively fly in and out of Love Field whenever I am fortunate enough to leave or unfortunate enough to return. It's great. It's tiny so it's easy and fast to get through security and get to your terminal and I only have to drive 10 minutes as opposed to 30 with no traffic, up to an hour with traffic to DFW. And flying with Southwest is the best! If Dallas closes Love Field, then Dallas doesn't have an airport, Grapevine is mofo'ing trek and is either too expensive to take a cab/car share to and from or it takes way too long to transfer a million times using public transportation.

I'm just insanely happy that the next time I'll be in Dallas I'll be taking a city bus straight from Dallas Love Field to Uhaul, packing my apartment and driving away forever.

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