Dear Jackie O, (Week 4)

A weekly installment answering your most pressing questions.

Dear Jackie O,
I really don’t think it’s going to be a prob. U are stressin’ over nuthin, & weekends in LA mid-season are no big thang. Take a ride on the chill out bus, babe.

Madly in Love,
Valley Ranch Romeo

Dear #9,
I don’t want to have to answer your letters every week, Romo. Seriously. We have had this conversation already, and you know where I stand. One question, though: Why do you look like more of a creepy stalker in all of these pics than an escort? HINT: If a girl starts to walk so fast you can’t keep up – stop trying.

And get back to Valley Ranch. Last time I checked, January is 25 days away. Click Clack, Tony. But I don’t hear ya coming. And according to those pictures, neither does Jess.

All my love,
Jackie O

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Dear Jackie O,
Did you see the announcement? Sales & profits are spiking this quarter! Make sure you grab your 100th Anniversary Exclusive Blahniks ASAP – they are going fast.

Skirtin’ Around Town,
Kar-Kar

Dear Neiman Marcus CEO Karen Katz,
I’m pretty busy this week… I mean, I have, well... ya know, something else to do other than spend $1000 on, errr, shoes, only to celebrate the “glorious century of luxury” I cannot afford. But never fear, your work here in our beloved Dallas economy is done, along with millions of baby boomers’ retirement funds. Oh, and Micky P, your faithful M/W/F hobo @ Jackson & Commerce, wanted to know when his 100th anniversary butterfly tag comes in. In all fairness, he has been a more consistent staple over the years than your increasing profits. Plus, he even bought his very own Blahniks to match.

All my love,
Jackie O

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Dear Jackie O,
I’ve heard you have some connections out this way… can you get me out of here????

Ready for early release,
Shackled Sutherland

Dear Keifer, aka Jack Bauer, aka My Beloved Superhero & Hopeful Next President of these United States,
I’ll help you, on a few conditions:
1) President Palmer (David) gets brought back to life and is named Master of the Universe, Esq.
2) His crazy wife does not come back with him.
3) You explain to me when you use the restroom. I mean, I’ve never even heard you mention having to pee. I know you sweat a lot, but seriously. During commercial break? Diapers, perhaps? It keeps me up at night. I worry, Jack. I worry.

All my love,
Jackie O

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Dear Jackie O,
I saw you running on Katy Trail on Sunday. Obviously not too scared, now are we? Hmm?

Still Tootin’ Around in Turtle Creek,
Deputy Doo-Dog

Dear Deputy Chief Golbeck,
Okay, seriously. You know I know your handwriting by now, right? A few douchebags short of a full VIP line, are we?

But yes, I did go for a run. And I think my Chuck Norris facts did the trick… that and the 900 other people on the trail in broad daylight. The issue this time arose when I took the lazy short cut home behind the AAC parking garage. Not a good idea… that and the whole act of going running in general. Jake’s milkshake, anyone?

All my love,
Jackie O