Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Dear Jackie O, (Week 3)

A weekly installment answering your most pressing questions.

Dear Jackie O,
Did you hear? We are changing our business model. And did you see my new plan? It’s going to be awwweeeesommmme.

Sippin’ on a Slurpee,

Dear Blockbuster CEO Jim Keyes,
Wow. Shocker. Does it involve dancing midgets and ninjas? Hope so. Oh, and just curious, but can I charge YOU late fees on overdue dividends and measurable success? If so, that will be... $4,523,321.34, but if you come through before December 15, 2007, there will only be a one-time restocking fee of $1.25.

All my love,
Jackie O

Dear Jackie O,
Why haven’t you responded to any of my letters yet? You know who I am, right?

Autographedly Yours,

Dear Tony Romo,
I’m reserving all comments on said “letters” until I see what happens in January. I’m already having nightmares about Jessica texting you right before the game winning or losing play asking you what inning it is. Make my January a good one this time, #9.

Click Clack, Tony. Click Clack.

All my love,
Jackie O

Dear Jackie O,
Can you please post a link for the hottest Dallas holiday gift this season? The girls would appreciate it!

Vibin’ in Valley Ranch,
Dancing Diva

Dear Linda Septien,
I would, but then I’d have to subsequently punch myself in the face. Twice. And to be honest, Jessica Jones @ DMagazine did a much better job summing up my feelings on the topic than I ever could.

All my love,
Jackie O

Dear Jackie O,
There’s no need to worry, Jackie. I know you like to run on Katy Trail. It’s safe, I promise.

Tootin’ Around in Turtle Creek

Dear Deputy Chief Golbeck,
Ahem. I thought your quote was cute… “But this is still pretty unusual up there on Katy Trail.” I’m going to have to say that this, this, and years of local rumors about other attacks that have happened would say otherwise.

But to any potential Jackie O mugger on Katy Trail, I think you should know these four Chuck Norris facts were really about yours truly. Commence trembling:

Jackie O does not style her hair, it lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror. Jackie O is the reason why Waldo is hiding. Jackie O sleeps with a pillow under her gun. And Jackie O’s roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye. Yeah. So… there. (Pssst… Katy Trail Muggers: My iPod is really really old, almost broken, really - the battery is barely long enough for a 30 minute run. And I don’t carry cash on me when I jog. And I have the loudest scream ever. And I smell really bad when I run – seriously – like getting within 5 feet is not a good idea… I mean, I can give you my cell # and run to the ATM later if you need anything. Please don’t hurt me.)

All my love (and any other item of value I can scrounge up),
Jackie O

No comments: