If Heaven Were a Club...

If heaven were a club, it would definitely be the hottest spot in Dallas – in a very breezy, room-temperature, non-flames kind of way. Its name would be one trendy word, like TEMPLE or RISEN, and the line to get in would always be out the door. Getting your name on the list would be one of the bigger chores in town, and name-dropping would typically get you nowhere. It might even get those already inside kicked out for having a friend standing out there on the curb.

Valet would never be full, and you would never have to pay an extra $20 to get your car parked up front to ensure it wouldn’t get towed. No one would $2 self-park across the street out of shame for the pre-2004 car they were driving. In fact, once you valeted, you would never have to worry about seeing your car again.

The owner, well, that’s obvious. But I’m convinced He would still strut around with the same inconspicuously fabulous confidence that Matthew Giese does today… skinny suit and all. I feel like God would be a fashion-forward kind of dude… and just to throw you off, would never be caught dead, or risen, in a white suit.

If heaven were a club, the list would be long, almost a real book of sorts, and there would be no such thing as one-in/one-out. Guys lurking outside of the women’s bathroom door would drool over those ladies whose crowns held the most jewels and who had just partaken of holy water in their favorite bathroom stall together. The trendiest accessory for men would no longer be the rosary laid upon a hairy chest… no sir, it would simply be a long rope tied to an ankle. An understated accessory, but one that signified they had most certainly been to VIP on earth, and made it out alive.

If heaven were a club, DJ Luce would spin nightly as a guest. Allowing his entourage in with him was a small price to pay for his musical talents, not to mention his weekly guest perfomance. Every Sunday, as the lights would dim, Mephistopheles ID would perform one of his hottest new tracks, which would always be a crowd pleaser. But despite tighter security, a few clubbers would disappear into thin air every time without fail. A small price to pay, I guess, for doubling club occupancy. Enticing the right clientele for this exclusive club would be a biatch, and Mephi ID was a sure thing.

The most expensive clouds would typically be right next to the owner’s office, and the bill that came at the end of the night was always paid in full. Only your reputation walking in the door could determine what cloud you were seated on, and oddly enough – everyone was just happy to be on a cloud to begin with.

If heaven were a club, it would be eerily similar to those we frequent on a nightly basis in Dallas today, and one detail would most certainly be the same. Whether in heaven or on earth, on a busy night, I would still be sneaking in through the back door.