Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Dear Jackie O, (Week 2)

A weekly installment answering your most pressing questions.

Dear Jackie O,
Did you hear about my potential new job offer? Nowhere to go but up? Sounds like a job from heaven.

Super excited in SanFran,

Dear Mike Singletary,
Run. Run as fast as you can. In the opposite direction. Quickly. At light speed, if possible. The only way in hell, ironically, you should take this job is if the package includes Jesus himself as the assistant coach – and I’m guessing Jesus in coach’s shorts surrounded by flames would really F with the Baptist credo. Like I said, RUN.

All my love,
Jackie O


Dear Jackie O,

What is with all of these Dallas girls eyeing me and trying to hang all over me at my table at the club? They were blocking my reflection of myself in the disco ball. Ugh, so annoying. Although, I'm sure they can't help but stare.

Missing my Mirror,
Guido Gotti

Dear Moron with hair Circa 1993,
I would have to assume that any single straight male dumb enough to:
1) Pay $400/bottle of vodka that is $25 down the street
2) Physically push a girl out of his way before actually seeing her face
3) Believe that table service buys you anything other than regret and possibly a stout dose of herpes

Would also be dumb enough to think that said 'Dallas girls' had their eyes on anything other than the prize*

*Free Grey Goose.

All my love (not to mention my next drink in your face),
Jackie O


Dear Jackie O,
Hurry up!!

Friggin’ Out Here,
Bathroom Biatch

Dear Impatient Coke-Fiend,
I am peeing. Not snorting. Peeing. I am fast for a girl. I even timed myself once. 13 seconds. That includes wiping. Zipping. And buttoning. So please, next time you are in line in a bathroom and the thought crosses your mind to bang on someone’s bathroom door because the powder is starting to fall of your key… Don’t. It’s not becoming. And neither is a bloody nose – but hey, baby steps.

All my love,
Jackie O


Dear Jackie O,
I think your blog is stupid and so are you.

Yours truly,
Your Un-Biggest Fan

Dear IP Address #65.107.XX.XX,

Your page view habits would speak otherwise. Nothin' wrong with a little rubbernecking. Don't be so hard on yourself.

All my love,
Jackie O.

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