Thursday, January 22, 2009

Dallas Private Schools Are Awesome

Assuming, of course, you want your kids to grow up to be huge vaginas.Today, reported this story about how The Covenant School's varsity girls basketball team defeated Dallas Academy 100-0 in district play, and subsequently delivered a personal apology to Dallas Academy for the Covenant team's "embarrassing" display of "unsportsmanlike" conduct stating "a victory without honor is a great loss." The school also posted a public statement on its website stating "this clearly does not reflect a Christ-like and honorable approach to competition."

You know what I'm about to say, don't you... the contents of which forced me to start a new paragraph so that the big C-word wouldn't have to share a paragraph with my question of "are you fucking kidding me??" No seriously, are you?

Believe me, I get it. I get that it's a stuffy, WASPY private school in Dallas where athletics and education are emphatically secondary to religion during the week, while 16 year-olds are drinking, smoking out & losing their virginity on the weekend. I attended one just like it. And I understand it's an awkward moral dilemma for an athletically gifted teenager capable of putting 100 points on the board against a school that literally did arrive at the gym in a short bus. I was that teenager, on that team. Yet, as I walked out of the gym past the scoreboard showing 102-4, I wasn't thinking about how bad I felt or questioning my moral compass. Instead, I was thinking how Texas School for the Deaf never knew what hit them, but my points-per-game & assist rankings in the Dallas Morning News next week sure would. Jackpot.

More perplexing, though, is the statement that "this clearly does not reflect a Christ-like or honorable approach to competition." This is kind of like saying something clearly does not reflect Bush-like & intelligent approach to incredible public speaking. It just leaves you scratching your head & singing "which one of these things does not belong?"

Whatever the case, I just can't wait to be a manager one day when I'm in my thirties, and these kids are a part of my new graduate applicant pool who now, thanks to stories like this, are not only entitled morons, but uncompetitive, entitled morons. Yippee. I can't wait.

So, thanks Covenant
board members, Head of School Kyle Queal and Athletic Director Brice Helton. I applaud your aspirations to be Christ-like as you throw your varsity girls basketball team under the bus & put them on public display in the Metroplex media as "shameful" and "embarrassing" without having the adults responsible for the decisions made in a game held accountable... matter of fact, who exactly hired the coach who made such "shameful" & "embarrassing" decisions? Mayyybeee..... the athletic director? Who was hired by the head of school? Who was hired by the board? The board who creates the rules including the likes of those that require students to obey their teachers, and likely references Biblical passages like "Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account." Hebrews 13:17? Interesting.

But don't worry, I'm sure the message you intended to send through this debacle was well-received. Because really, let's be honest, in the private sector John 8:32 rarely applies... the truth most certainly does not set you free. Those talented athletes, whose freedom to perform to the best of their ability you just killed, understand it's their fault for being talented within the tiny 2A district your school has chosen to "compete" in. I'm guessing this is a lesson they will remember as they grow into adulthood, and it will likely influence the way they view leadership, sports & competition in the future... well done, great private educators of Dallas, well done.

Yet another example of why Dallas private schools are awesome. I mean, shit, muthafucka, look how great I turned out?

UPDATE: Once Mark Cuban heard about this story today, he extended an invitation to the Dallas Academy players to watch a game in his suite & meet the team. So, either misery loves company, or Cuban has finally found a team the Mavs can consistently dominate.


Carolyn said...

OMG you're hilarious and such a great writer. That last PS was greatness.

Amy S said...

Great closing