Dear Meester President,

I recently read this, which left me scratching my head once I Google-mapped your new Dallas residence. An un-gated street doesn't really seem to be your issue. Secluded cul de sacs are fabulous, no doubt. But I hate to break the news that not everyone in Dallas throws like Tony Romo and/or my 6 year-old niece. 200 meters is not very far, so now it's time to play "Think like a criminal (without making a statement that might be misinterpreted as illegal by a bored FBI computer analyst on a slow day)."

Frankly, if I were a criminal, I can't imagine a better scenario than one in which I had a target within arm-launching distance off of a 55mph Tollway, where the nearest entrance for any secret service agent is at least 1.5 miles up the road with multiple lights to meander through. Also, since we are playing this game, I would totally sport brass knuckles. Who doesn't look awesome when wearing those? No one, my friend. No one.

Anyway, I'm sure there is no need to worry and that you have not misunderestimated the ability of your security team. At least you didn't piss off too many people in office, and Texans are awwlll reeelly classy peoples who are awwll reeelly weyll edumucated & understaynd yer policies'n that thar awfice and awpreciate the sacrofice youz made for those thar past eyt.. ate... aw fuck, 8 yeers. At least youz got thats goin fer ya... that and your fence, of course.

All my Simon David Preston Hollow love,
Jackie O