New Year's Resolutions Are Fucking Retarded

According to About.com, here are the "Top 10 New Year's Resolutions" and, of course, my heartfelt thoughts on each.

1. Spend more time with family & friends. I'll try and not get struck down by lighting on the very first one, so I'll vagina out on this one and say "Aww, that's sweet."

2. Fit in fitness. Hang on a sec - were they trying to be as fucking gay as possible when they wrote this list? "Fit in fitness." Cute. Really. I think "work out more" would have sufficed and not made me want to throw up everywhere. Regardless, this one would require me to actually get up from my desk, or off of my couch, or away from the bar. The answer is D, bitch. None of the above.

3. Tame the bulge. Okay, pardon me, but this is a family show people. Keep it clean. Either this is the exact same thing as #2, or we just entered into some female uptowner's amusingly nasty way of saying she is going to do her best to make all kinds of things disappear in 2009, and I don't mean her beer belly. Tame the bulge, sweetie. Tame it.

4. Quit smoking. Oh yeah? Go fuck yourself! Ahemm.... oops...... sorry. :( Knee-jerk.

5. Enjoy life more. Check & check. Annnddd....my liver just threw up all over my small intestine out of fear. Awesome.

6. Quit drinking. Alriiiggght, alright. I'm not THAT naive. You crazy jokers got me, silly kids. Golly geez. Where is that hidden camera anyway - you totally had me fooled. But that split second I thought you were serious almost gave me a heart attack - I need a martini to calm my nerves, por favor. Sugar on the rim.

7. Learn something new. Well, let's see. 4&6 being legitimately listed both just taught me some people really are as dumb as they sound. Who knew.

8. Get organized. I'd say that has about as good of a chance of happening as Wade Phillips shtooping Jessica Simpson without shouting "Wull, gawwlly geee" mid-coitus.

9. Get out of debt. Please refer to #6, also known as the reason this ain't gonna happen when my favorite drink is a $12 lemondrop martini. Believe me, it's worth it.

10. Help others. www.sodallas.com. Done.

And here's a card from me to you, Dallas, you sweet soul-less city, you. Happy New Year!