Kings of Leon? Incredible. Douchebag in Corduroy? Not So Much.

Last night was one of many in my past when I stood in a crowd of the most randomly diverse group of people whose one common thread was the band of four dudes on stage.

From awkward lesbian lovers to the girl running through the crowd wreaking of disaster who most certainly pooped her pants, everyone had no choice but to cheer with the same vigor for the musicians who spent their youth traveling the country with their notorious former evangelist father. So much pent-up angst to share with the world, and so many who come together to watch have to fondly appreciate, under vodka-induced pontification of course, that shared love of a band.

This would be the point in the story where the music stops... and the records violently screech. And to be fair, the girl pooping her pants could have qualified for this reaction earlier just as easily.

Unfortunately, she was topped by the random douchebag in corduroy who legitimately shoved me out of his way and subsequently cut in front of me in the bar line I had been standing in for no less than ten minutes.

So, to you, Mr. Corduroy, I say please be a dear and go fuck yourself. Certainly under normal circumstances it might be no big deal to have to wait for an extra few minutes, but Jackie O has had one long-ass week of work, hadn't eaten all day, and was patiently waiting on her third much-needed double vodka/Red Bull. Without food? I'm cranky. Without alcohol? I'm a headcase. And when a dude seriously shoves a girl without a second look? I take a picture of what I hope to be a one-of-a-kind item.

I know what some of you may be thinking... that I turned into a complete vagina for not snatching his ass back into line behind me. To be fair, there was a very complex sequence of events that led to my decision, specifically based on the logistics of the ceiling fans, as well as proximity to the restrooms, as well as the unfortunate location of the dirty hookers seventeen feet to the southwest of his right shoulder... it just wasn't ideal.

Or I was a complete vagina. I think I'm okay with that, though. A fact of which I was certain as soon as I finally had vodka/mouth contact...

One thing I also had was impeccable hearing, so thank you & your tab, Mr. Corduroy, for that drink as well as my next two. You can shove me any time, baby.

Who's Down with JWP, Yeah You Know Me

An excerpt from the always-entertaining johnwileyprice.com:

John Wiley Price's brand of advocacy and activism can be summed up in this way: John Wiley Price addresses real issues, advances real change, and achieves real results. He has earned the full respect of the constituents within his district and in the County at-large. Additionally, he has placed himself in the vanguard for those who have been historically locked out, especially for African-Americans. He campaigned initially as “Our Man Downtown”, and has proven himself as such over the years.

So... where do I begin. This man has always been and always will be a cartoon character to me. So much so that I think when some of the funniest of funny got bored in Dallas one day, they created the enigma that is John Wiley Price. The first few times I sat through some of the meetings where, quite frankly, popcorn should be served to accompany the show, I was kicking myself for not thinking of him first. And it is only fitting that his bobble-head was just released & can be yours for the paltry amount of $24.95, as FrontBurner & City Hall Blog both recently reported.

What I also want to express is how grateful this city is to finally see "real change & real results" from one of our political figures who has earned the "full respect" of his constituents. Dang it... my bullshit-o-meter is beeping at me again... I thought I took the batteries out of that thing last time I posted...

Oh well. I guess let's take a look at how that should read:

John Wiley Price's brand of pent-up hatred & Go F yourself approach to the political arena can be summed up in this way: John Wiley Price finds a way to screw up real issues, underachieves on most issues in general, while guising bottom of the barrel priorities, likeKwanzaaFest as a revolutionary success, and advances change in the form of disorderly toddler-tantrum-esque conduct on a weekly basis. He has made most who voted for him lose all respect for their own political & personal judgment, while fervently striving for the Political Dumbass of the Year award distracting most in every meeting with more over-acted, poorly-scripted drama in five minutes than an entire season of The Hills. Additionally, he has placed himself in the vanguard for those who have been historically locked out, and to be politically correct will throw in the caveat of "especially for African-Americans," when what he really means is "the white man can go fuck himself." He campaigned initially as “Our Man Downtown”, and has irreparably damaged our district's confidence in the political system, as well as the overall hope of the County at-large that Dallas isn't actually run by a bunch of retards who shouldn't be allowed to cross the street, much less run a city.

You're welcome to the JWP campaign manager - you can use that copy free of charge because, gosh darnit, that's just the kind of unselfish, generous vanguard for advancing real change in our community that I am.

Carry on.

Where Has All the Funny Gone...

No, assclowns... I'm not talking about my lack of posting lately - and when I have found a few spare moments to post it has been an utter waste of your time to read. I get it. Fuck off... in the most loving way possible, of course. I'm one busy bitch.

Anyway, I myself find it odd that this is my second post out of only 100 or so that covers the topic of greeting cards, but I have recently discovered what a large source of stress and anguish this topic is in my personal life, and I’m guessing it’s no different for any of you.

On a recent trip to the Walgreen’s on Oak Lawn, after charging my way through the sea of “I need some spare change to take a cab to the bus to my car that ran out of gas 96 miles away from here where my dying mother-in-law is waiting for me to drive her to the emergency room because she is paralyzed… and so is my puppy” requests, I proceeded to the card aisle in need of a folded piece of birthday-centric paper for a friend.

The whole idea of cards is still 100% asinine to me, but whatever. Even though none of us would never again miss receiving a card on special occasions if we stopped that practice altogether, everyone is afraid to be the asshole who stops first. So, back to shopping for my shitty waste of $3.25.

Something witty would be ideal, even though people tend to fly through greeting cards with the same disinterest & lack of attention to detail Tony Romo likely throws his hotdog down Jessica Simpson’s proverbial hall. But unfortunately for Hallmark, witty is no longer in their vocabulary & their proverbial hotdog rarely touches a side. Their best days of the funny came Circa 2006… and they are still schlepping those same cards in convenient stores across America hoping people either forget they gave that same card last year, or that it’s just funny enough to give twice. "Pay no attention to Stephanie," or the "Obey the birthday monkey" card, or the "You’re a legend in your own mind" have all be gifted, and re-gifted by me multiple times.

Now, I just need a new friggin' card I'm not completely mortified to give to a friend. Doesn’t even have to be funny. Slightly amusing will do. And one would hope that for a company whose job it is to write a couple of funny one-liners ONCE A YEAR, this request would not be too much to ask.

Apparently, it is.

It seems as though instead of spending these past couple of years dedicated to coming up with that one great idea, that one unforgettable series of cards, Hallmark has gone down an entirely different path.

This path is one I would LOVE to have sat in the ideation meetings on... it reminds me of some of the piece of shit ideas my company comes up with on a daily basis, many of which are now full-fledged products because someone sucked the correct dick at some point. This product extension from Hallmark, one that has repeatedly given me the urge to jump out of a window, seems to have birthed from the same scenario.

Music & motion cards. Both equally cheesy. Both horrifically stupid and unfunny. Both sucking up an entire row in Walgreen’s that could have contained cards actually worth purchasing. Both equally embarrassing for the observer & receiver. Both a complete waste of time, effort & money.

These cards are the Sarah Palin of the Republican ticket, the message of Change for the Democratic ticket… they are all meant to take advantage of the initial positive response we give to bright lights & flashy sounds, but for Hallmark the distance from selection to checkout is much shorter. The amount of time one has to spend in a stupor of stupidity is so brief that the likelihood of a purchase made on over-eager excitement & false pretense is much, much greater.

Maybe they know it sucks. Maybe they are aware these cards are likely the foundation of many a contemplated suicide. But maybe they also have figured out that the average time-to-checkout with a card still leaves them with a lovely profit. It's like marketing the 19-burrito deal at the Taco Cabana located next to the "tobacco" shop... until you have eaten the burritos, and subsequently regurgitated them, everybody is happy - everybody wins.

So, with that said, if someone could point me to the Libertarian birthday card section, that would be awesome, because if I hear the .wav version of Hannah Montana singing Happy Birthday again or Lucille Ball's monologue of Vitametavegamin (well actually, to be certain, I Love Lucy kicks a lot of ass... just not in the form of an audio birthday card),
I may have to move to a country where birthday cards don’t exist at all… and homeless men don’t have to beg for spare change to buy their precious elbow grease – they can even afford the flavored kind, and frankly that warms my heart.

God Bless America.

Dirty Pirate Hookers Heart Jackie O

Well, thanks to a tidbit I posted last year post-Halloween, my site has been getting an increasing amount of peculiar traffic that is a direct result of Google searches. What have they been looking for, you ask? "Dirty pirate hooker halloween costumes." Over 100 people have been searching for that, to be exact.

It poses the question, what on earth would prompt you to search for not only a pirate hooker, as if that isn't a shameful enough costume on its own, but a dirty pirate hooker at that?
What, the peg leg, eye patch, and corset making those small Bs look like full Ds isn't enough? You have to add the dirty, guaranteeing the inclusion of super-glued nipple patches & crotchless pirate booty-branded undies.

You people truly crack my ass up... as I'm sure you will experience yourself in the literal sense this hallowed of Halloweens. Enjoy.

Vacation, Beetches.

Just took one. It was wonderful. Hence my absence. Breathed in fresh air. Baked some cookies. De-stressed my foggy head. Got some exercise. And watched my stocks plummet more steeply than the likely trajectory of knees to floor for these ladies, who bless their little hearts, obviously both forgot pants at Dolce’s recent closing.

Ginkgo Biloba, ladies. I swear by it. And I’m sure it has saved me from many an embarrassing moment such as this one was for you. My heart goes out to you since I myself am also embarrassed easily. But hey, look at the bright side… you will look back on this someday and laugh. Laughter, my sweet dears, is healing for the soul. And thanks to your pic as well as my recent vaca, my soul is the picture of perfect health.

The House Financial Committee Is Overworked; Should Demand Overtime Pay, Hairbrushes

5:17pm. Holy shit. I actually stood & applauded as I watched those precious minutes tick by... as House Financial Committee Chairman Barney Frank (shown above) pressed on into the wee minutes of post-5:15pm work because the American people, gosh darnit, deserve it. They deserve for those extra couple of painstaking minutes to be put in, discussing one of the most monumental decisions that will ever be made about the U.S. economy & one that will impact our children & their children for many years after we are all long gone. I mean, look at him - he even skipped brushing his hair this morning likely to give those additional precious minutes to the current economic plight of the American people. What would we do with out you, Mr. Frank. What would we do.

And monumental this decision is. I wish I could just give everyone in that room a big squishy hug for the hard work & long hours they are putting in to make this thing happen, while stocks in just about every sector crash and/or bottom out while we await their decision. Sure, I may have lost 45% of my securities' worth today. But small price to pay for those dedicated members of our government to truly work through this plan & give it their all. I know they will get a solution in place as quickly as they are possibly able.

And just think... if they continue to put in those extra minutes every darn day, we just might have a decision reached by early 2023. Reason #913 I love my country.

Thank you, House Committee, for leading by example. It's leadership like yours that truly makes my 65 hour weeks all worth it - because I know you are working just as hard to make my life just that much better... and because you, my comrades, lead by example.

One thing though. After listening to your oh-so-eloquent committee members stumble over their words & not actually form complete and/or coherent sentences all day long - many of which were laughed at by Paulson & Bernanke for being so fucking stupid slash the classic example of state representatives looking for their 15-minutes of fame on CSPAN - I believe it is my duty to request that you don't actually let anyone speak tomorrow, or maybe even get within 500 yards of the building, who falls into this category... or who isn't capable of using proper grammar. Is that too much to ask?

I mean, call me crazy, but I would hope that the people making decisions about my financial future don't actually use the word (and I use the term 'word' loosely) "Yous" when intending to say "You." Or I might expect that they would know Paulson & Bernanke already know the most fundamental investment principal about diversifying risk - but those viewers out there that are under the age of 9 thank you for teaching them something new today while listening to yourself talk in circles, Congressman Meeks. When all of you finally get kicked off of Capitol Hill, you would make an excellent Economics 101 teaching assistant at Brookhaven or Northlake... but then we get back to that whole issue of knowing what the hell you are talking about, and sometimes they require that of professors. Not always, but sometimes. We can still hope for the best, right?

Okay, time to go throw up all over my portfolio losses for the day. But you guys go get some rest, you will need it for your marathon of a FULL EIGHT hour day tomorrow. Drink some fluids, no sugar after 8pm... and be sure to eat a good, hearty breakfast. You'll need your strength.

And as that notorious hour of 3pm approaches... far enough away from lunch for you to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but still so far away from 5:15pm you want to jump out a window... here is an inspirational quote to carry you through:

"Endurance is one of the most difficult disciplines, but it is to the one who endures that the final victory comes."

Good luck and Godspeed, my friends. Godspeed.

Dallas Layoffs?

Today I’m too F’ing busy to try and be even slightly amusing – so I’ll cut to the chase in light of the one topic that is so near and dear to my heart… cold, hard cash.

Since no one in the media is so much as mentioning this topic, other than the Biz Journal, I’m curious where all of the Dallasites are who have been impacted or know someone impacted by the numerous cut-throat layoffs I have been hearing about across the Metroplex over this past week?

Even my shady-ass company announced its 917th hiring & promotion freeze yesterday, sending yet another wave of rumors around our campus about more pink slips.

I say bring it on, bitches. I’d love to see any one of the lazy-ass middle managers or VPs at my company try and figure out how to even work my computer, much less do my job. They are lucky if they hunt and peck fast enough to respond to more than 5 emails in a day, so frankly, with the amount of work I cram into my 60 hour weeks, I think I’m as safe from being let go as an intelligent thought is from Josh Howard's mouth.

But really, I’m more so annoyed that no one is reporting on all of these occurrences in our city that is supposedly ranked as the #3 “Hot City for Jobs” this year. I have four friends from grad school who have already received notices this week from four different large Dallas corporations… so, what are you all hearing?

I'm Not Investing Anymore... I'm Saving Money for the Important Stuff, Like Wiping My Ass.

... which would be a much better use of it today than what is happening to the money I really do have invested. In other news, AMR is giving someone in HR one awesome blow job:

DFW/American Too Closely Resembling Hell; Satan Responds, Ups '09 Fire Spend

Leave it to the geniuses who were originally designing the interior décor of DFW International Airport to somehow find a way to make a concrete-ridden, visually drab city even drabber.
I’m not sure if we were going for the visual illusion of making people feel like they were completely surrounded by concrete no matter whether they were inside or outside… but if so, A+. I've been inside of insane asylums with more appeal. Grey tile, grey walls, grey holes into the abyss of what today is home to the most frequently tardy airline in the world… which really is the point of Jackie O’s crankiness today.

My business trip this week to the one city that is even more disgusting weather-wise than Dallas showed me nothing different than what I usually experience… delayed flights, both ways, due to mechanical failures… and pilots whose announcements sound something like a 3 year-old apologizing for pooping his pants – just less sincerely.

“Hey folks… well, we sorta apologize for the delay… this plane was late getting here because we had to put duct tape on the engine to ensure it didn’t fall off on the way to Dallas… and we could figure out where the darn tape began. Don’t you hate that?... Well, it worked just barely enough to get us here, so that was good. Damn it... has anyone seen my Funions?

Anyway, where was I… Oh, now we are just waiting for another roll of tape since our piece of shit operations team can’t seem to figure out what the hell it means to keep planes in the air. Johnny Mechanic just ran to Home Depot and should be back any minute.

BUT because we are such an incredible airline and you are honored to even be sitting on this plane, we are going to hand out headphones for FREE and put on a FREE movie, which should more than make up for our complete inability to do the one thing you pay us an astronomical amount to do – fly. Instead, here are some headphones that usually are sold at a 2,000% markup in-flight. Crazy thing is, it actually costs us more in fuel to haul these things around on our plane than the sweatshops in China charge us at 8 cents a pop – but we will certainly take every opportunity to swindle your sorry ass even more so than our gate attendants did on your $15 baggage fee.

You can, however, thank us for giving you the experience of a lifetime – not many people can say they know what it feels like to get raped – you, however, have been granted that priceless opportunity. Wait a few days, however, and we will start charging you for that as well. Because at American Airlines, we know why you fly.”

So, thanks American. Hugs & kisses. And you can, in the most loving way possible, eat a dick for all of the work I now have to catch up on thanks to your scheduling & mechanical ineptitude that seem to resemble a retard trying to conquer a Rubik’s Cube.

Can't wait for next week.

Maybe We Should Encourage Teenage Sex...

For those still hanging on to the abstinence message, I'd like to direct your attention to the video below.

This is like playing a game of Would You Rather... like would you rather lay down in a container full of snakes or be raped... or would you rather eat a meal off of the floor of The Slip Inn bathroom or live in the suburbs for the rest of your life... or would you rather have kids that are having premature sex or are attending the Dallas Anime fest & doing this shit:


I rest my case.