Dear Jackie O,Aren’t you going to write about my sick NYE party? It was so ridiculous it would make you want to buy a house or something. And that happens to be exactly what we do here at Rogers Healy & Associates. Call 214.368.HOME TODAY!
Best,
RH
Dear Rogers,
Well, the drinks ran out incredibly early, which made dealing with the random girl who continued to comment on the authenticity of everyone’s attire/handbags/jewelry a little more annoying than usual. Wait… yeah… check that. Overhearing “fashion critiques” from NM assistant buyers who are more profuse in this town than post-Loon hookups makes me want to punch myself in the face drunk or sober.
Happy New Year 2008! My David Yurman ring isn’t real! Neither is the interested look she gets back while spewing faux-elitist nonsense! Yay!! Someone toot a horn or throw a streamer!
All my love,
Jackie O
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Dear Jackie O,
Hear about our recent purchase? We are doin’ big deals. Lots of deals. Deals. All day long.
Swimmin in Green,
Cash Cow Kenny
Dear Bank of American CEO Ken Lewis,
Oh hell, Ken. I mean, first of all, the wait times on hold are already ridiculous, and I’m guessing your purchase of the biggest financial fucktard in recent mortgage history is only going to make my wait time for the rude customer service call I have to look forward to that much longer.
And the checks, Ken. The checks. Sharon and I had a heart-to-heart about it a few weeks ago… or I was calling her an idiot while she read from her script in front of her. But it’s not Sharon’s fault, Ken. It’s not. I said that. Apologized. And refrained from calling her a retard again until she told me for the fourth time I don’t get free checks... which I guess is what you mean by "Redefining Free Checking."
Ken, I reached the lowest of lows at that point. I feel terrible. I made overly arrogant statements about how much money I had in your bank (which I do), and how much any other bank would love to have that money to invest (which they would), and oddly enough Sharon gave in – 38 minutes and 23 seconds later. But I feel terrible. Just awful, really. I know paper is expensive. And ink – sheesh. I might as well have you print my checks with truffle oil. And the very idea I should be able to use my money… I mean, I owe you a written apology… so consider this it. It was great to hear from you, Ken. Congratulations on your new purchase, and keep up the good work.
All my love,
Jackie O
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Dear Jackie O,
Where were you after our big win over Detroit the other night? Shit was crazy… and ohhhh the ladies… well, the ladies obviously know this year is our year.
Poppin’ Champagne,
Like We Won a Championship Game
Dear Devin Harris,
First of all… let’s not count our chickens. Second, I think you are great. I really do. But a few things… stop hanging out with the shadiest of shady in Dallas. Those ladies aren’t for you… and neither are the STD’s that come with them. Next, you have more than enough money for a designated driver, so just because Matthew Giese hops into his Mercedes in front of you after hanging out all night doesn’t mean you have had the same self-control drinking-wise to do the same.
I need a championship this year… from someone in Dallas. And between y’alls notorious party habits and Romo… well, I can’t even comment on that… it’s not looking up for me. It’s all about me, Devin. Let us not forget.
All my love,
Jackie O
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Dear Jackie O,
I have been working hard over here, and I have figured it out.. You just wait for that stock of yours to skyrocket… it’s a sure thing.
So awesome it hurts,
Jimmy
Dear Blockbuster CEO Jim Keyes,So, no midget ninjas, huh. I’m disappointed. But not quite as disappointed as I was when I heard your master plan for increasing profits this quarter is based on high gas prices keeping people at home and the writer’s strike. So… how exactly does this make you any different from Netflix again, and what exactly have you been doing over there if these external events are the previously-undiscovered keys to your success?
Oh. Right. Makes sense. Foiled again, eh Jim? Original. Seriously… that prank is so ad agency Circa-2003. So in the words of the beloved successful businessmen we look up to on a daily basis 'round these parts, Rob & Big, "Do Work."
All my love,
Jackie O
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