Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Dear Jackie O, (Week 6)

A weekly (yet not so weekly) installment answering your most pressing questions.

Dear Jackie O,
It’s 2 cute that you try and pretend you know what is going on in Dallas, but commenting on the social elite is hard 2 do when you are obviously so far from it. If you ever decide you really want 2 know what’s happening in this city’s social scene and actually get 2 be a part of the who’s who of the Metroplex, you should join the diamond tiara of Dallas’s proverbial hair accessory collection: The Junior League of Dallas.

Philanthropically Yours,
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Dear JLD (insert meaningless title here)Chair,
First of all, thank you for reminding me again why people who respond to emails via BlackBerry and, in the process, emphatically butcher the English language make me want to, in true Jackie O fashion, punch myself in the face... multiple times.

Secondly, I hate to break the news, but your beloved social society has actually started to not suck at life as much these past few years, in spite of itself. I even heard you started accepting members whose occupation wasn’t stay-at-home wife? The audacity. You better do something… fast… or else the JLD might actually do something for this city other than offer the most affluent slash best gosh-darn invite list for Botox parties I have ever seen.

All my love,
Jackie O


Dear JaCkEEE o,
I tHouGht u MiTE b InTurEsTed ‘N tHis ‘lil ArTiKLE AyE fOUnd. A’iNt ‘dat KoOL?

EnOnyMussLee URS,

Dear Dr. John Lilley, Baylor president,

Seriously, you have to get better at your sneaky skills. Not even the dumbest of dumb spells “cool” like the cigarette brand. Not exactly believable. And aye instead of I? Really?

Nevertheless, let’s get down to this issue. That headline is reminiscent to me of the time many years ago when your fine institution started a “diversity campaign” to broaden Baylor’s demographic. It was adorable. Then, to go hand in hand with those goals, the geniusly-oblivious decision was made to instate a flat tuition rate that is now approaching the neighborhood of about 30K per year, give or take? It’s incredible to watch – like a fat kid trying to lose weight who secretly crams his well-hidden candy bars into his mouth every night like it's his job. It’s what you might call a losing battle.

I would never dare cross any lines with you, Dr. Lilley, or make false accusations, but if I were ever to dream of doing so, it might certainly look something like this little formula.

(a + b) + (c + d) = e therefore, A + B = C hence, C = D

a = Lack of diversity
b = WASPY & spoiled student body
c = Horrific sports history*
d = Even more horrific sports facilities
e = Crappy recruiting classes
A = Dr. Lilley gets a bright idea
B = Embarrassing sports could certainly usher in early/overdue Big 12 expulsion
C = Press release shamelessly selling Baylor's 'diversity' guised in an article about old-skool hymns
D = Dr. Lilley struck down by God via lightning.

And for the record, who can blame the fat kid for eating the candy bars? Someone had to drive him to the store.

*The dudes, not the chicks.

All my love,
Jackie O


Dear Jackie O,
Wanna go to the museum? Or to the park? Or to Six Flags? Or maybe to the club to find some strange? I need a friend.

Lonely in the Lone Star State,

Dear Josh Howard,
Devin is gone. Buy-bye. Has been for awhile now. Stop moping. Start playing. And yes, I’ll help you find some strange if you can help me find a team worth paying to watch.

Do Work.

All my love,
Jackie O


Dear Jackie O,
I’m innocent, I swear. Can you come bail me out? Preferably with crispy one-spots?


Dear This Guy,

No, I won’t. But look at the bright side, at least you didn’t win the award for “Worst Captain Obvious Quote by a Cop, Ever” like your buddy Police Chief Dan Trelka did.

And next time, lesson learned: Don’t take your weed money to deposit at the bank when it wreaks of, well, weed.

All my love,
Jackie O