Dear Jackie O, (Week 9)

A weekly (or not so weekly) installment answering your most pressing questions.

Dear Jackie O,
My stock is soaring so, so high!! Tee hee. Can’t you just feel the excitement all the way from up here in Plano? I heart HP. Tee hee.

Eee-mailin,
E to tha D to tha S

Dear EDS/Worst & Most-Overpriced Tech Support Provider in this Great State,
Does this mean HP will take over our IT support? Thank GOD. Now pack up your shit and get the hell out.

All my love,
Jackie O

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Dear Jackie O,
I heard you calling us a nasty word that rhymes with duckers behind us as we got on the plane this weekend. Totally unnecessary, and we had every right to be there. Just so you know.

Cheatin,
Big Huge Giant Seat Stealers

Dear Annoying Identically-Dressed Couple from My Southwest Flight Home Sunday,
Let me explain. B18 is B18. Not B1. I’m sure you probably missed the 8. I get it. Really, I do. Like when I get a tab for $18, sometimes I accidentally only pay $1. Or when I turned 18, I thought my mom screwed up on the cake and was celebrating my first birthday. Totally understandable. But for someone like myself who woke up early on a Sunday to check in online, and beat your ass to the punch, I find it ridiculous of you to think everyone was dumb enough not to notice, other, of course, than the gate agent scanning your ticket whose only job IS actually to notice. Thanks, Southwest. Me and B3-C60 who rode in the biotch seat all the way home ‘preciate it.

All my love,
Jackie O

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Dear Jackie O,
So, when are you quitting your job to have behbies? I mean, I know you aren’t married or anything, and obviously will need countless hours of help not sucking at being a mom, but I’m perfect in every way, so I’ll gladly help you out.

Rock-a-bye,
Behby

Dear Most Annoying Girl in My Bunco Group (yes, I play bunco. I like to drink, so suck it.),

#1 In the words of Whitney Houston, Hell-to-the-No

#2 If you so much as think about bringing up different sizes for breast pumps you tried last week or other ridiculously gross topics such as what your placenta looked like, I will, without a doubt, punch you in the face. And after that, I’ll gladly entertain you with a single gal’s version of that convo.

“So I gave this awesome blow job last week. Did you know there is something called the R Spot on a guy?”

All my love,
Jackie O